Disenfranchising, Demeaning, and Demoralizing Divorced Dads : A Review
of the literature
By
Dr. Linda Neilsen © 2003
This article appears without citations for ease of
reading. An unedited version may be read on
Dr. Neilsen's
website.
How
Divorced Mothers Influence the Father-Child Relationship
But
exactly how do mothers help or hinder the father’s relationship with
their children after divorce? And what kinds of behavior can
therapists, teachers, and friends encourage the mother to develop that
might help fathers and children maintain good relationships after the
parents divorce?
Messages about the father's parenting
To begin
with, the mother can either encourage or discourage the children to
believe that their father is a good parent. Negatively, the mother’s
seemingly harmless jokes or casual remarks about the father’s
abilities as a parent can lead the children to believe that she is the
far superior parent. As one adult child puts it: “I was made to
believe that my mom was the competent parent and my father was nothing
but a buffoon”. But positively, the mother can continue to let the
children know that she believes their father is a good parent,
regardless of how she might have felt about him as a spouse Sadly,
divorced mothers too often portray the father as the vastly inferior
or as a worthless parent.
Of course,
some women are much more willing than others to give their husband or
ex-husband credit for what he actually does as a father. For example,
mothers who have always worked full time outside the home usually give
the father much more credit than do full time housewives. And mothers
who had good relationships with their own fathers tend to be the most
complimentary of their own husband or ex-husband as fathers. Likewise,
women who believe that fathers are just as important as mothers for a
child’s well-being are usually the least critical of their husband as
a father. And, for whatever reason, women are generally less likely
than men to give the other credit for what they actually do in raising
the children.
In this
vein, one of the ways in which children learn how their mother feels
about their father as a parent is through her ways of sharing
information to him. For example, a mother can imply that their father
is insensitive and harsh by making such comments as: "Don't let your
dad find out that your brother is still coming home every weekend from
college because he'll get mad." "It's a good thing your dad doesn't
know about this!" "I promise not to tell your dad about this.” Over
time, keeping secrets and withholding information from the father can
build an alliance between the children and their mother that works
against him. In contrast, the mother can strengthen the father’s image
as a compassionate, sensitive, and valuable parent by refusing to keep
secrets or withhold information from him.
Along the
same lines, the mother cam let the children know that she sees their
father as a competent, skillful parent by not continually advising,
overseeing, or criticizing his ways of relating to the children. A
number of divorced fathers say they become closer to their children
after the divorce because the mother is no longer there to correct,
supervise, and criticize them as parents. Unfortunately some men who
were the most involved with their children before divorce end up the
least involved after divorce. In these cases it seems that the most
involved father has more conflicts with his ex-wife over the children
than the man who was not a very involved father before the divorce.
Financial Matters
The mother also influences the father’s relationship with their
children through the messages she sends the children about financial
matters. Harmfully, the mother can reinforce the idea that the best
way for children to measure their father’s love is by how much he
gives them financially: “If your father really loved you, he would pay
for that.” Or the mother can lead children to believe that their
father deserves no thanks or appreciation for what he gives them
financially. Sadly, many fathers who buy things for their children
that the mother is legally supposed to buy with the child support
money seldom get any credit for being so unselfish and generous. In
any event, too many fathers end up feeling like these two divorced men
do: "My kids don't even call me dad. They don't want me to be any part
of their life. They just want my money". In contrast, the mother can
encourage the children to appreciate their father’s financial support
and to recognize that his love should not be measured solely by what
he gives them financially. Unfortunately, the father often finds that
the mother works against him in these respects, even when he is paying
all of his child support and even when the mother is a well-educated
woman with an income of her own.
A mother
can also make the father look good or bad in the children’s eyes when
it comes to giving him some say in how his child support money is
being spent. Positively, the mother can let the children know that
it’s perfectly alright with her for their father to make suggestions
about how his money is spent. But negatively the mother can make the
children feel that their father is doing something wrong or is being
mean to her if he ever asks questions about or disagrees with how his
money is being spent. As already mentioned, those mothers who do allow
the father to have some voice in how his money is spent usually find
that he spends more time with the children and voluntarily spends
additional money on them.
Mothers
can also convey either positive or negative messages in regard to
money that the father sends the children after age 18 when he is no
longer legally required to support them. Even in cases where the
children have refused to have anything to do with their father for
years, the mother sometimes conveys that she believes he is being mean
and selfish if he does not send money for such things as college,
cars, and weddings. Recognizing this, some states have legislated that
a divorced father is not required to send money to those children past
the age of 18 who have alienated themselves from him. Some researchers
have even suggested that part of the reason why some children see more
of their divorced father if he is well-educated than if he is poorly
educated is because they need his money beyond the age of 18 when he
is no longer legally required to support them. Given the ways in which
money affects their relationships, many divorced fathers end up
wondering: How much would my kids have to do with me if I wasn’t
giving them this money? Why is it that no matter how much I do for
them financially, they never feel it's enough and they rarely thank
me? Why do they expect so little from their mother financially when
they expect so much from me?
Finally,
the mother presents the father in either a positive or a negative
light by what she leads the children to believe about how he has
treated her financially. She can convey that their father was fair and
generous with her in their divorce agreement. Or she can portray him
as selfish, greedy or mean-spirited. For example, without criticizing
him outright, a mother can imply that the father mistreated her if she
often seems sad or “jokes” about her not being able to afford nice
clothes or a nice house like his. And even in cases where the father
is actually paying for almost all of the children's expenses, the
mother can make the children believe that their financial situation is
far worse than it is. Regardless of how well-educated the mother is or
how much money she receives from the father, she can still send
children potentially damaging messages such as: "I don’t know why your
dad wants me to pay for part of your college when he makes more money
than I do.” "If it weren’t for your dad, I’d have a better job now.”
In contrast, even when she did not get her fair share financially in
the divorce, the mother can keep her anger to herself rather than risk
hurting the children’s relationship with their father. Unfortunately,
far too many children get the message that their father mistreated
their mother financially. This certainly does not mean that all
divorced mothers make the fathers look bad when it comes to financial
matters. Nor does it mean that the father’s sending money is always a
concern for the divorced mother. For example, some mothers who are
legally entitled to receive child support refuse to take any money
from their former husband. As one mother says: "I get a great deal of
satisfaction out of knowing that I am supporting myself and my
daughter. And there are divorced mothers who realize that the anger
they feel over financial matters after a divorce is often a result of
their own choices during the marriage. As one such mother puts it: "I
could have avoided much of my anger and what I put the kids through if
I had just chosen to be more financially self-sufficient throughout
the years of my marriage".
Mother’s Self-Reliance
Leaving
aside financial matters, a mother can also strengthen or weaken the
father’s position by how self-reliant and emotionally independent she
appears to be. The mother who shows the children that she can take
care of herself emotionally, has a satisfying life apart from them,
and does not need or want to be mothered or pitied by them makes it
easier for them to maintain a relationship with their father. In
contrast, the mother whose children generally feel sorry and
responsible for her because they see her as so dependent, needy, and
fragile can inadvertently encourage them to feel disloyal and guilty
about being close to their father. As one adult child puts it, "I felt
guilty all the time - guilty because I was angry with mom for needing
me so much and guilty for wanting more time with my dad".
In extreme
cases a mother and child can become so overly dependent on one another
and so overly involved in one another’s lives that they are referred
to as being “enmeshed”. In such cases, the parent and child react and
think almost as if they were one person. Divorced women who have not
remarried are the most likely to be enmeshed with a child. Similarly,
those women who did not have close relationships with their own
parents while they were growing up tend to be the most enmeshed with
and overly dependent on their own children. A mother is also the most
likely to become enmeshed with a child who has a chronic illness such
as asthma or epilepsy.
In any
case, even though many enmeshed children - most of whom are boys - are
very angry at their mother for reasons having to do with the divorce,
they still tend to side with her against their father - sometimes
rejecting him altogether. And even when the mother and children are
not enmeshed, after a divorce the children's relationship with their
father too often suffers if the mother is emotionally fragile, needy,
and dependent in ways that make the children feel that they need to
protect, to pity, and to take care of her.
The
Father’s Remarriage
The mother
also affects the father’s relationship with the children by what she
says and does when he remarries. Although 80% of all parents remarry
within four or five years after their divorce, the father usually
remarries first. And since 90% of children live with their mother
after divorce, her feelings about his marriage and about his wife are
easy to detect. Unfortunately what most children see is that their
mother is not happy about their father getting married again - in many
cases even when the mother initiated the divorce or left the marriage
for another man. Although she may be unaware of the negative impact
she is having, the mother too often reacts in ways that weaken the
children’s relationship with their father when he remarries.
The
mother’s reactions take many forms. And many of her feelings and
opinions are conveyed most powerfully in nonverbal ways - her tone of
voice, facial expressions, and body language. Negatively, the mother
can send children the message that because their father has remarried,
he is no longer being nice to her. In reality, what the mother is
often upset about is that her ex-husband is no longer willing to
behave as if they were still married to each other. For example, until
he remarried, one father explained how his ex-wife continued to
violate his privacy: "Their mother would walk right into my house when
she came to pick the kids up, help herself to a cold drink, use the
bathroom, and make a phone call". In many cases then, the children’s
do not understand that their father is not “being mean” to their
mother, but is behaving as a loving husband should in regard to his
new marriage. For example, some mothers try to engage the ex-husband
in lengthy or daily discussions about very inconsequential events in
the children’s lives. In these cases, the mother is often trying to
continue an intimate, marriage-like relationship and becomes angry
when her ex-husband refuses to relate to her this way. Unfortunately
though, some children think their father is mistreating their mother
when he is doing the kinds of things necessary to create a private and
separate life.
On the
other hand, the mother can support the father-child bond by not
planting ideas that might cause the children to see their father or
his wife in a negative light. For example, the mother can refuse to
make such comments as these in front of the children: "Your dad was
nicer before he met her." "Your dad wasn't cheap and selfish before
she came along." "I don't know what's come over your father since they
got married." Unfortunately, in many cases the father’s wife is
continually blamed for the ongoing problems in everyone’s lives. As
two stepmothers explain: "My stepkids blame me for every problem their
mother has. Supposedly I even prevent their dad from giving her more
money." "Their mother always bad-mouthed me, but I never knew exactly
what she said, so I couldn't defend myself". Fortunately some mothers
go to great lengths to reassure the children that they should never
feel guilty or disloyal for enjoying their father or his wife. Sadly
though, many children end up feeling the stress represented by this
stepdaughter’s remark: "I didn't dare say anything good about my
stepmother to my mom even though my mother divorced my dad". Without
saying so directly, a mother can still let the children know that she
feels sad, insecure, lonely, hurt, or jealous when they are with their
father and stepmother. Some may even go so far as to suggest that the
children should have had the final say over whether or not their
father should have gotten married, by making such remarks as: “I won’t
get married again unless you kids tell me it’s ok with you.” “I don’t
know why they didn’t wait longer to get married.” “Your dad always
does what’s best for him no matter how it affects us.”
Faulty memories and family myths
But if a
man was a good father while he was married to their mother, then won’t
his children’s happy memories of him offset the other factors that
might work against their relationship after a divorce? No, not
necessarily. Amazingly, even when a man has been a good father, it is
still possible for his children's memories to work against him. Why?
How? Part of the answer lies in what researchers are teaching us about
how human memory actually operates. And other answers involve our need
to create consistent stories about our lives, even when we have to
distort the truth and invent memories about things that never
happened.
To begin
with, our memories - especially memories about what happened in
childhood - are largely shaped by what other people tell us, not by
what we ourselves actually saw or heard. In fact, what other people
tell us about our childhood can literally make us “remember" things
that
never
happened.
Making things even more complicated, we seldom remember
how
or
when
a
particular memory came about. That is, we seldom remember who told us
the stories that shape our memories - or under what circumstances they
told us these things For example, the negative things that you
“remembers” about your father might actually have come from what your
mother told you
during or after
their
divorce. Likewise, we construct memories bit by bit in erratic ways.
Our memories sometimes take great leaps across time, omitting certain
crucial events along the way. And events which actually had no
relationship to one another or which actually occurred far apart end
up being remembered in ways that bare very little resemblance to what
really happened. Even our memories of recent events can be distorted
in such ways. We also patch scraps of information from the past
together and force them to fit the stories that we have been told by
people we love and trust. As a result, a family can bury itself in its
own fairy dust by creating false memories about people or events that
threaten what the family
wants
to
believe.
More
troubling still, we tend to forget and to distort the memories that
create the most pain or most shame - especially when those memories
involve a parent. And we often forget and distort the memories about
whichever parent did the most damage to us or to our family.
Especially as young children, we do not want to acknowledge that our
parents do such things as commit adultery, abuse drugs, lie, cheat, or
physically abuse us. Moreover, we have an especially difficult time
remembering or accepting painful truths about our mothers. So after
our parents divorce, we too often end up wedded to inaccurate,
negative memories about our fathers.
Our
memories can also fool us because we have the tendency to create a
consistent, logical “story” about our lives - a story that supposedly
explains the past and the present in an organized, predictable way.
The story around which we organize our memories also tends to be one
that makes us feel good about ourselves and that castes the people we
happen to like in the most favorable light. That is, we have a hard
time remembering those situations in which someone we dislike actually
said and did “good” things. We often develop memories that confirm
only
what we
want
to
believe, rather than what actually happened. So for example, if a son
has created a story about the past in which his mother is “a saint”
and his father or stepmother is “evil”, then his memories will conform
to that vision, regardless of the facts. As one stepmother explains:
"My stepson is determined to prove that his father and I have ruined
his life. Everything he does to destroy his own life is completely his
father's fault and nobody can persuade him otherwise". In short, when
it comes to our memories and our beliefs, we tend to “see it only
after
we are
ready
to believe
it”.
Finally,
what we remember about the past is heavily influenced by how we are
feeling about our present lives. That is, people with serious social,
emotional or psychological problems tend to remember and interpret the
past in the most negative, most inaccurate ways. Young people who are
clinically depressed or who have personality disorders rarely recall
what was good about their parents or their childhood - and they rarely
let go of their angry, negative memories even when confronted with
absolute proof that those memories are completely untrue. Given this,
the best chance a divorced father has for being remembered accurately
is when his children are relatively happy, well-adjusted people who
are basically satisfied with their lives. This isn’t to say that
everything we remember is untrue. Nevertheless, we should not assume
that our memories alone are accurate proof of what really happened or
of what a person was really like - especially not when it comes to
such volatile events as our parents’ divorce or our perceptions of a
father we may seldom or never see after that divorce. Given how our
memories are formed and influenced, the divorced father can often be
at a disadvantage when it comes to what his children do and do not
remember. To begin with, since 90% of all children live with their
mother after divorce, it stands to reason that she has the most power
to shape and to create memories – memories about the father and about
the divorce. And since most children see less of their divorced father
as time passes, they may have to rely heavily on their memories to
form their opinions of him. Remember too that if it is the mother who
feels especially guilty about the divorce, then she is the most likely
to distort the truth and to create memories for the children that
caste their father is the worst possible light . Sadly, the myths and
inaccurate memories created within our families wield tremendous power
over our feelings and behavior towards our parents and stepparents.
And sadly, young people in therapy often have to be helped to remember
anything loving or good about their father because the family myths
and inaccurate memories have literally erased all positive memories of
him.
Divorced Fathers and Their Sons
A final
factor influencing the father’s relationship with the children after
divorce is the child’s gender. Generally after divorce fathers have a
harder time maintaining a close relationship with their sons than with
their daughters. Why? To begin with, the divorced mother is more
likely to say and do things around her son that damage his
relationship with his father. As one expert on children of divorce
sums up the research, "A mother's negative opinions of her former
spouse, if conveyed to her son, can do more harm to him than the lack
of contact with his father". Also the son is more apt than the
daughter to become overly involved or even enmeshed with his mother in
ways that hurt his relationship with his father - especially when the
mother has not remarried. Then too, the son seems to be especially
affected by a divorced mother’s bad moods, her depression, and her
conflicts with his father.
Finally,
sons have more serious psychological and social problems than
daughters from childhood on, whether or not their parents divorce. And
many of these sons’ problems are related to their being too close and
too dependent on their mother and too distant emotionally from their
father. In these families the mother is more likely to be the parent
who tolerates and makes excuses for the son’s dysfunctional, infantile
behavior When these parents divorce then, the troubled son is more
likely to withdraw from his father and seek refuge with his mother.
MOTHERS WHO SUPPORT THE FATHER-CHILD RELATIONSHIP
Although
there is no reliable way to predict which divorced mothers will be the
most supportive of the father’s relationship with the children, there
are a number of characteristics that supportive mothers usually have
in common.
Mother's Education
Contrary
to what we might expect, a well-educated mother does
not
necessarily make the father’s
relationship with the children better than does a less-educated
mother. In fact, well-educated mothers often make the situation more
stressful. Why? First, as already discussed, well-educated white women
tend to have the most possessive, most jealous attitudes about
mothering. Second, a well-educated mother is often the angriest and
most resentful after divorce because her standard of living generally
takes the greatest plunge and because she is often forced to go to
work full-time outside the home. Third, just because a mother is
well-educated does not mean that she will be free from the kinds of
situations that often make the father’s relationship with the children
more problematic. That is, there are well-educated mothers who are
clinically depressed or chronically unhappy with their lives after,
who have such poor relationships with their own parents that they
relate to their own children in ways that can hurt the father’s bond
with the children, and who are too indulgent and lax as single
parents. In other words, being well-educated is no guarantee that the
mother will be supportive of the father’s relationship with the
children after divorce.
Mother’s Guilt or Ambivalence
How guilty
or ambivalent the mother feels about the divorce can also influence
how supportive she is of the father’s relationship with the children.
When a mother does not feel especially guilty or ambivalent about the
divorce, she often has an easier time portraying the father in a
positive way to the children and supporting his relationship with
them.
Mother's Employment
As already
mentioned, when a mother works full time outside the home throughout
her marriage the children and their father are often closer than when
the mother is not employed. In part this happens because the father
and children generally spend the most time together when both parents
are wage-earners and because employed women often relate to their
children in ways that make it easier for the father and children to
bond. So for example, children often say they feel much closer to
their father when both parents are employed than when their mother is
a housewife. In any case, whether the parents remain married or get
divorced, fathers and children usually have closer relationships when
the mother has always worked outside the home.
Mother's relationship with her parents
The kind
of relationship the mother has with her own parents also seems to
influence her feelings about the father's involvement with their
children. The mother who had a close, loving relationship with both of
her parents tends to relate to her own children in ways that make it
easier for the father and children to be close to one another. In
contrast, the mother tends to be overly jealous, critical, and
unsupportive of her husband’s relationship with their children when
she did not have a good relationship with her own father and mother.
Mother's marital status
For
reasons already discussed, when the divorced mother has remarried, the
father and children generally get along best. Although 80% of divorced
mothers do remarry within 4 years, the fathers usually remarry first.
So at least for a brief period of time, the mother is usually still
single when the father remarries. Unfortunately those mothers who
never remarry or who only remarry long after their divorce often have
extremely dependent or enmeshed relationships with their children
which, in turn, makes it more difficult for the father and children to
be close. But regardless of the reasons, a divorced mother who has
remarried is usually the most supportive of the father’s relationship
with the children.
Mother's mental health
Finally
the mother who is mentally well-adjusted and relatively content with
her life after a divorce is usually much more supportive of the
father’s relationships with the children than the clinically depressed
or chronically unhappy woman.
Conclusion
In many ways then, our research is reminding us that divorced fathers
are often demoralized and demeaned in ways that make it difficult for
them to maintain close relationships with their children. Not only
many of our attitudes about motherhood and fatherhood, but many of our
personal and legal beliefs about divorced men and divorced women work
against fathers. And not only a mother’s feelings about her
ex-husband, but also her own family background, mental health, marital
status, guilt, and attitudes about money influence how supportive she
is of the father’s relationship with their children. Then too, each
child’s own memories, gender, and mental health work either for or
against the father after the parents’ divorce. At a societal, legal,
and personal level, we still have far to go in providing the support
and the compassion that divorced fathers deserve as adults whose
marriages have ended, but whose feelings, needs, and desires as
parents endure.
Linda Neilsen © 2003
This article
originally appeared inThe
Journal of Divorce & Remarriage - 1999, vol.31 pages 139-177
