Searching for Intimacy in a Box of Choclates
by
Alison Armstrong, author of Keys to the Kingdom © 2003

What do women really want for Valentine's Day?  Well...We want chocolates, mushy greeting cards, flowers sent to the office, real jewelry and much anticipated marriage proposals... or do we?

I think what women crave more than anything else is Intimacy.  Connection. Closeness.  And I was hoping to find it somewhere in that box of Valentine's chocolates.  Is it between the caramels and the nut chews?  Maybe the chocolates are an expression of his Feelings for me.  And if I could break open those feelings, like I broke open that mocha creme. 

In my search for intimacy, I would gaze intently into my boyfriend's eyes and ask, "How do you feel about me?"  I thought that if I could get him to talk about his feelings, then I would experience being close to him.  If he would "open up emotionally," then we could have those intimate moments for which I longed. To know him, to connect with him, I must connect with his emotions.  I must hear about his feelings.  

Or so I thought. 

It took years of studying men to find out that I was looking in the wrong box! Because I, as a woman, identify myself with my feelings - they are the most real, true thing about me - I had assumed that men closely identify with their feelings too.  

Please don't misinterpret this.  I'm not saying men don't have feelings.  They do.  Deep feelings.  And I'm not saying their feelings aren't important to them. They often are.  It is just not the place men locate their Selves. 

If you observe men closely, you will see where they find themselves.  It is in their values and interests!  Watch when men are the most alive.  It's when they're participating in their interests.  See the intensity.  See the passion.  

The time you'll find men the next most alive is while talking about their passions.  Especially to someone who is interested.  One of the greatest gifts we can give a man is the attitude, "If you're interested in it, it must be
interesting. Tell me about it!" 

Here are some pointers about listening to men:

Men only talk about what really matters to them to someone who is "safe", meaning nonjudgemental, interested, and not competing for talk time Interrupting men is like de-railing a train.  He won't be able to keep opening up
if you're saying, "But what about...?" and "Oh, me too, I did that and it was...." You can't pretend interest.  If you are bored, he can tell.  Interest is a gift that you make up.  If you're not already interested in the subject, be interested in how that subject effects and expresses him.

If you don't understand something he is talking about and you let it go by, you'll probably get sleepy.  It is the brains way of dealing with not understanding.  This is a time when it's better to interrupt than not.  Do it by
saying, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, but you lost me on _______.  Could you explain what that is?"  Most men love to teach, especially something they love to someone who is interested.

By listening to men talk about golf, cars, motorcycles, videogames, skateboarding, paragliding, snowboarding, business, history, politics and religion, I have had the most satisfying conversations.  While they appeared
one-sided, because I listened while they talked, I experienced those ecstatic moments of intimacy that I crave.  For it is when a man is expressing his passions that he is the most vulnerable.  It's when he's talking about the things that make him happy that he is the most available.  Mentally and emotionally. 

One of my favorite things about this door to intimacy is that we can open it in all relationships.  We can feel close and connected to many men.  We don't have to be romantically involved to experience the intimacy we need. 

This is another case where giving can be much more satisfying than receiving. Try offering the men in your life a playground for Valentine's Day -- the playground of our fascination with their passions.  I predict we'll be so full of
what we really want, we won't even miss the chocolates.  Which is not to say you can't have them too!

The Amazing Development of Men is Now Available on CD!

Order today at www.understandmen.com.