Men: Friends or Foes?
by
Alison Armstrong, author of
Keys to the Kingdom © 2004
Creator of the
Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshops
For years women have been asking me some version of,
"What should I do?" The situations range from "I haven't heard from
him, should I call him?" to "I'm not getting what I need, should I
tell him?"
The most important thing determining the answers to these questions
is where they are answered from. On a practical, everyday basis,
women have two options in relating to men: Adversaries or
Partners. Each approach will yield different answers to the above
questions and determine your behavior overall.
In an adversarial relationship, men and women are on different
sides. There is always a winner and a loser. In most places where
you find dependency, you will find adversarial relationships.
Between children and their parents, between employees and employers,
for example, and anywhere that men and women are certain they can't
live without each other.
Power in an adversarial relationship is limited. One must always be
concerned with who has more. It's all about strategizing,
maneuvering, and figuring out how to get what you need from the
other. You have to be careful, concerned, smart and concealing.
Plan your moves and don't give away your real feelings or
intentions.
Women have inherited an adversarial relationship to men. About two
million years of dependency has sealed it into our DNA, at least for
the foreseeable future. Our adversarial relationship can be seen in
all the expressions of popular culture, e.g. books, films,
television programming and radio shows; lawmaking and litigation;
internet jokes and verbal gender bashing.
The fact that women are no longer dependent on men for food, shelter
and protection doesn't matter at the level of instinct. At the
level of instinct, all men are potential attackers or protectors.
We usually assume the first until proven otherwise. It's the "all
men are dangerous" instinctive concern that has women on guard most
of the time, much to the dismay of good men, which would be the
majority.
Instinct has us behave in a variety of delightful (tongue in cheek)
ways. First we use manipulation, and if that doesn't get us what we
need, we resort to emasculation. It's all about power. If we're
not sure a man will use his power for our benefit, then we must
reduce his power. We emasculate men down to safe levels - where
they're handy but not threatening; the modern day equivalent of a
eunuch.
In a paradigm of partnership, power behaves by different rules.
Power is unlimited and unfixed. It can grow, and it can shrink.
The more power you have, the more power I have. If we take care of
each other, we're both better off. Being honest about our needs,
looking out for the other guy, being kind and generous, giving and
receiving support and respect - these are all natural behaviors in a
partnership.
Friend or Foe? Partner or Adversary? How are you going to relate
to men?
If you choose "Partner", there are some things you will need to
do. . First, find out what is fair to expect from your partner.
Expecting him to act like a woman will cause frequent disappointment
and could easily send you right back to "foe".
Second, learn how to communicate in his language.
Men speak and listen differently than women. You can complain about
this or adapt. Adapting will make you more effective.
Third, examine what you really need from your partner
and ask for it. Nobody can provide everything, so you have to
prioritize. Ask for the most important things and anything else is
a bonus.
If you want help with any of the above, I recommend the Celebrating
Men, Satisfying Women® workshop (of course!).
Meanwhile, here is a great guideline for figuring out what to do:
Ask yourself, "What would I do if he was my friend?"
This question will naturally lead you to a partner-friendly answer
and clear out the manipulative strategies you might have adopted.
Let's apply the question to, "He hasn't called! What do I do?" A
famous rule - born of manipulation - tells you to never call men.
Funny, that's not what men think! Men tell us they like being
called by women. It shows you care. It shows you like him too. It
makes him feel like he has a partner! "What would I do if he was my
friend?" would quickly lead you to making that call.
Alison Armstrong, author of
Keys to the Kingdom © 2004
