DIANE A. SEARS is a member of the University Council for Akamai University’s Fatherhood and Men’s Studies Program, and is the Managing Editor of a quarterly international male parenting journal published and exclusively distributed by BSI International, Inc. In October 1999 she launched the IN SEARCH OF FATHERHOOD FORUM FOR AND ABOUT THE FATHERS OF THE WORLD.

Sears has interviewed more than 100 Men who are Fathers. She has authored and published reviews for numerous books about Fatherhood and men’s rights issues including Father and Child Reunion: How To Bring The Dads We Need to the Children We Love, by Warren Farrell, Ph.D.; Swallowed By A Snake: The Gift Of The Masculine Side Of Healing” by Thomas R. Golden, LCSW; The Ultimate Survival Guide for the Single Father by Thomas Hoerner; and Nothing’s Wrong: A Man’s Guide To Managing His Feelings by David Kundtz.

Common Ground:
 Getting to a Place of Understanding and Compassion

by
Diane Sears

We really need to get to a place of compassion and understanding for Men, especially Men who are Fathers. We really need to get to a place where we clearly understand that men and women need to and are supposed to trust each other, respect each other, work together as a team and, if circumstances warrant, be willing to walk through fire for one another. There needs to be a coming together of men and women and an establishment of common ground between men and women. This coming together and establishment of common ground among Men and Women is critical to the survival and growth of our families, our community and society.

So, why is it essential that we, and when I say "we", I am really talking about women, need to get to a place of compassion and understanding for Men, especially Men who are Fathers? Why is it critical that common ground be established between women and men?

Well, if you have not noticed, I am here to tell you that Men, especially Men who are Fathers, from all Walks of Life throughout our global village are fired up and fed up!

They are shouting at the top of their lungs: “Hey, I am a man! I’m not a wallet. I am a human being. I laugh. I love. I cry. I dream. I hurt. I am a man! I am quite capable of loving, nurturing and mentoring my children, even if it means that I have to do it alone, as a Single Father, a Non-Custodial Father or a ‘Stay-At-Home Father’! I am tired of being made to feel that I have no value . . . that I am not needed! There are not enough resources and support services available to me that will help me move my family forward. There is not enough research and research funding being devoted to my unique health issues. And I want to be treated fairly by the courts in child custody and child support matters. I want the courts to look at me and see that I, too, am worthy of being given sole custody of my children.”

Now, Men – especially Men who are Fathers – are not just sitting around chatting about what they want and what they need. They are taking action:

In September 2004, the Indiana Civil Rights Council launched a federal class action suit on behalf of Non-Custodial Fathers in the United States against the states of Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, the District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont and Virginia. Why? The federal class action lawsuit takes the position that states, through Family Court and agencies of the family court system, are denying liberty, privacy and family interest protection to non-Custodial parents – specifically – Non-Custodial Fathers. The lawsuit views this denial as a violation of the United States Constitution.

On 17 January 2005, a Dutch Father in the City of Utrecht in The Netherlands – dressed in a Batman costume – staged a protest for several hours on a rooftop balcony atop a courthouse to call attention to the unfair treatment that Divorced Fathers experience in courts in The Netherlands.

Fathers are also flexing their “political muscles.” In August 2003, Warren Farrell, Ph.D., a prolific author of books on Fatherhood and Men’s issues announced his candidacy for the 7 October 2003 California Gubernatorial Recall Election. Dr. Farrell ran on a “Father’s Rights” platform. His candidacy was the proverbial “shot heard around the world” for the Fatherhood Movement.

No one in our families . . . in our communities . . . and in our society should be made to feel that they do not matter and what they have to offer or to say is not important. It is in no one’s best interest. We cannot afford to have Men – especially Men who are Fathers – feeling isolated and devalued . . that they have nothing to give and that they have no options. Individuals who feel or are made to feel that they have no options, no value and nothing to contribute are often driven to commit acts of desperation. So, how do we move from a place where Men – and especially Men who are Fathers – feel isolated and devalued – to a place of compassion and understanding?

Women have a key role to play in moving our families . . . our communities . . . and our world to a place of compassion and understanding for Men and Fathers. How? Acknowledging and recognizing a man’s humanity is the first step toward moving to a place of compassion and understanding. Recognizing a man’s humanity means that we do not buy into the stereotypical characterizations of men that we observe on television and in films. It means that we understand that “differences” do exist between the sexes. But those “differences” do not make one gender inferior or superior to the other gender. The fact that men communicate differently is and should be regarded as a “plus” and not a “negative”. We should be moved to learn how men communicate so that when we are articulating our ideas, wants and needs to men we are able to articulate our ideas, wants and needs in a communication style that men are familiar with.

We need to understand that men are not emotionless automatons. Men are loving and sensitive emotional beings. Men articulate their fears, dreams, likes and dislikes. We just have to listen – really listen -- to what is really being said. A steady diet of betrayal, disrespect and rejection will crush a man’s spirit. Recognizing a man’s humanity will help to eliminate a lot of drama in male-female relationships.

Women can and must play a key role in moving our families and our communities to a place of compassion and understanding – a place where Men are allowed to be fathers to their children and act as the family’s liaison with the world that exists outside of the family’s environment. We must understand that men are not our enemy. While we are grooming our daughters to be financially and intellectually independent individuals, we must also groom them to be supportive of the man in their life. We must show them – in word and deed – that it is critical that they work with and not against their mate. Our survival and that of our families, our communities – and generations yet unborn – depend on it.

DIANE A. SEARS is a member of the University Council for Akamai University’s Fatherhood and Men’s Studies Program in Hilo, Hawaii; the author of In Search Of Fatherhood® -- Transcending Boundaries; and the Managing Editor of In Search Of Fatherhood® Forum For and About the Fathers of the World, a quarterly international male parenting journal which facilitates an “International Conversation on Fatherhood”.