One concept I have found helpful is
the notion that many of us are "emotionally sunburned," but others
don't know it. We might think of a man who is extremely sunburned
and gets a loving hug from his wife. He cries out in anger and pain.
He assumes she knows he's sunburned so if she "grabs" him she must
be trying to hurt him. She has no idea he is sunburned and can't
understand why he reacts angrily to her loving touch. You can see
how this can lead a couple down a road of escalating confusion. The
second core emotion is anxiety.
Anxiety is a state of apprehension,
uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic
or fantasized threatening event or situation. As you will see as you
delve more deeply into the book, IMS men live in constant worry and
fear. There are many real threats that they are dealing with in
their lives-sexual changes, job insecurities, relationship problems.
There are also many uncertainties that lead men to ruminate and
fantasize about future problems.
These kind of worries usually take
the form of "what ifs." What if I lose my job? What if I can't find
a job? What if she leaves me? What if I can't find someone to love
me? What if I have to go to war? What if something happens to my
wife or children? What if my parents die? What if I get sick and
can't take care of things? The list goes on and on.
The third core emotion is
frustration. Princeton University's WordNet offers two definitions
that can help us understand this aspect of IMS.
1: the feeling that accompanies an
experience of being thwarted in attaining your goals. Synonym is
defeat.
2: a feeling of annoyance at being
hindered or criticized; The dictionary offers an enlightening
example to illustrate the use of the word…"her constant complaints
were the main source of his frustration."
IMS men feel blocked in attaining
what they want and need in life. They often don't even know what
they need. When they do know, they often feel there's no way they
can get it. They often feel defeated in the things they try and do
to improve their lives. The men feel frustrated in their
relationships with family, friends, and on the job. The world is
changing and they don't know where, how, or if they fit in.
Author Susan Faludi captures this
frustration in her book Stiffed: The Betrayal of the American Man.
The frustration is expressed in the question that is at the center
of her study of American males. "If, as men are so often told, they
are the dominant sex, why do so many of them feel dominated, done in
by the world?" The frustration, that is often hidden and
unrecognized, is a key element of IMS.
The forth core emotion is anger.
Anger can be simply defined as a strong feeling of displeasure or
hostility. Yet anger is a complex emotion. Outwardly expressed it
can lead to aggression and violence. When it is turned inward it can
lead to depression and suicide. Anger can be direct and obvious or
it can be subtle and covert. Anger can be loud or quiet. It can be
expressed as hateful words, hurtful actions, or in stony silence.
For many men, anger is the only emotion they have learned to
express. Growing up male we are taught to avoid anything that is
seen as the least bit feminine. We are taught that men "do" while
women "feel." As a result men are taught to keep all emotions under
wrap. We cannot show we are hurt, afraid, worried, or panicked. The
only feeling that is sometimes allowed many men is anger. When men
begin going through IMS, it is often anger that is the primary
emotion.
As we explore IMS in more depth, be
aware that we are talking about a problem that isn't easily
categorized or circumscribed. It is slippery and illusive. It can
wreak havoc in the lives of men and those who love them and remain
hidden from scrutiny. I know. IMS nearly destroyed me and my family.
Next week I'll share my own experiences with IMS.
Since I began my study of this
subject five years ago, I have received thousands of letters from
men and women describing their experiences. Over the next weeks, I
will tell you more about this interesting and baffling change that
so many men experience, particularly as we get older. Have you heard
of the Irritable Male Syndrome? Do you know someone who is going
through it?
Drop me a note and let me know.
Jed Diamond is the author of seven books, including the best seller
Male Menopause (Sourcebooks, 1997), which has now been translated
into 16 foreign languages. His most recent book is entitled "The
Irritable Male Syndrome" (Rodale, 2004). He has lent his expertise
to such programs as "The View" with Barbara Walters and "Good
Morning America" with Charles Gibson. See his Web site at menalive.com for more valuable information on living long and well.
The best way to reach Jed is by e-mail:
Jed@menalive.com.
He also has an online newsletter and information through his web site:
http://www.menalive.com.
