Highlights of Findings
from Dr. Warren Farrell’s
Father and Child Reunion
by
Warren Farrell, Ph.D.
Part II
The Unspoken—and often Unconscious—Contributions of Dads
Prior to doing the research for
Father and Child Reunion, I knew dads were more likely to play,
coach and roughhouse with their children. I did not know that in
comparison to children raised by single moms, children raised by
single dads are more likely to be assertive without being
aggressive. (My expectation was that rough-housing might contribute
to aggressiveness, not assertiveness.) Assertiveness without
aggressiveness is one of the key qualities to being successful in
work and life. It leads to better social skills and more friends;
more self-confidence and less depression; less acting out…
I was similarly surprised to discover that children raised by single
dads are more empathetic. We usually think of empathy as something
transmitted via the mother. Yet, in study after study, no matter
what thefamily structure, the amount of time a father spends with a
child is one of the strongest predictors of empathy in adulthood.
Empathy is the key to love: I’ve never heard someone say, “I want a
divorce; my partner understands me”. Children who don’t feel
understood seek another world at the point of a needle; join gangs
or cults to get the respect they didn’t get at home, or just
disappear into a bottle. Even at work, it is rare for us to sue
someone from whom we feel empathy.
Is there a connection between what dad does and these outcomes? No
one can be 100% sure, but a blend of research and careful
observation offer important clues. Say dad and son Jimmy are
rough-housing, and dad has Jimmy playfully “pinned down”. If Jimmy
has no experience, he might poke, pull or punch his way to
“freedom”. So dad teaches Jimmy to be assertive (use leverage,
fake-out, etc), not aggressive. Once he’s taught Jimmy, he gives him
a second chance. However, if Jimmy returns to his poke-punch
behavior, dad is likely to say, “okay, no more” and walk away.
What just happened? First, dad was teaching Jimmy two things: to
also think of dad’s needs, and to make distinctions between
assertiveness and aggressiveness. Second, by returning to play after
he taught Jimmy, he was giving Jimmy the opportunity to see if he
had mastered the lesson-- not in theory, but in real life: that is,
once the real-life emotions of excitement and temptation-to-win
re-enter the picture.
Third, dad’s willingness to walk away (versus continuing
rough-housing) was dad’s way of respecting Jimmy’s ability to absorb
the lesson if it was in his interest to do so. Therefore, if Jimmy’s
response to his dad walking away is a temper tantrum, dad resists
giving in (e.g., he resists rewarding the tantrum with “oh, okay,
one more chance”) and also ups the consequences (“one more word, no
ice cream”), making it apparent to Jimmy that terrorism is also not
in his best interest.
When it comes to the development of empathy, dads tend to create a
simple choice for the child: think of my needs, or don’t get your
needs met. Thinking of another’s needs is the beginning of empathy.
Dad was teaching Jimmy that empathy pays—empathy is for winners. He
uses that same formula for teaching anything: align the child’s self
interest with the child’s long-term best interest.
This contrasts with mom’s greater likelihood to not rough-house to
begin with, therefore depriving mom and Jimmy both of the bond of
physicality, excitement and laughter, and the incentive to give more
or less of that to Jimmy based on his willingness to learn. Were mom
around when dad was about to begin rough-housing, she’d be more
likely to establish limits—“do it outside, wait till the daytime,
put on sneakers and a jacket”—so often it doesn’t happen.
Were mom watching when dad walked away from Jimmy, and Jimmy
responded with a temper tantrum, mom would be more likely to
complain to the dad, “honey, you got Jimmy all excited, what do you
expect?”
Were mom teaching Jimmy when he wasn’t paying attention, she would
be more likely to repeat what she said. If Jimmy continued to ignore
his mom, his mom would be likely to threaten deprivation, but be
less likely to follow-through (she might even walk away, but then
respond to the temper tantrum by giving Jimmy another chance).
Giving Jimmy another chance reflects mom’s empathy for Jimmy.
However, once Jimmy learns that the temper tantrum, crying, or
complaining to mom that “daddy hurt me,” could pay off with a
reduction of the consequences, Jimmy begins focusing on which method
he can use to reduce the consequences—meaning Jimmy remains focused
on his own needs, not someone else’s. As a result, Jimmy’s empathy
doesn’t develop. His focus on how he can reduce the consequences
distracts him from empathy. Being given multiple chanceswithout
consequences gives him little incentive to stretch himself to his
next developmental level.
Dad is more likely to encourage Jimmy to do risk-taking while he
plays the role of guide and safety net. But few dads explain to mom
that risk-taking is a crucial ingredient of success: it helps
children discover what they can achieve, experiment with which
methods of assertion work, and thus increases a child’s I.Q.
Children who take risks with parents as guides and safety nets
stretch themselves, build self-confidence and are more prepared to
individuate and enter the world of work.
As children get older, dad-the-rough-houser often evolves into
dad-the-coach. Here, the most important lessons seem to come from
team sports--not gymnastics or tennis, but a sport in which almost
every play requires co-operation to win. A basketball player who
shoots without passing to a teammate who might have a better shot is
soon ostracized. Team play’s “teachers” are the success or failure
of each play; the ostracism or praise of each peer. So the dad who
is the coach—or the parent who encourages team sports— is handing
the child over to the world to experience how cooperation creates
success in the world rather than learn it via lecture. To learn this
while creating lasting childhood memories is a blessing. Indirectly,
it is the gift of dad-as-coach, or dad as encourager. It is
something every mom can do, but something dads tend to do.
Dad’s fun-and-games approach turns out to be a lot more than
fun-and- games. Once a dad invests a child in the excitement of
becoming a winner in a sport, the child is able to hear what would
otherwise be seen as criticism or the destruction of self-esteem as
coaching and preparation for being a winner.
While it is easier to see the value of dad in the development of a
son, his involvement is in many ways more uniquely valuable in
thedevelopment of a daughter. Why? A son raised by mom alone may at
least be encouraged by peers or a step-dad to learn the lessons of
empathy, assertiveness, and team sports; a daughter raised by mom
alone is less likely to have peers guide her with the proper safety
nets, and even a step-dad is more likely to be constrained by mom’s
limitations on his risk-taking when it comes to her daughters.
Those of us who have dads who grew up in the depression know that no
matter how rich our dads became they always had a “money wound”.
Children today who grow up without dad’s values and contributions
being in balance with mom’s will, no matter how much love they
receive, always have a “father wound.” These children will be
missing more than dad’s contribution. They will be missing the half
of themselves that is their dad. This is the real father and child
reunion.
Dr. Warren Farrell
is the author of many books, including two award-winning
international best-sellers, Why Men Are The Way They Are plus
The Myth of Male Power. His most recent books are Women
Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, which was a selection of the
Book-of-the-Month Club, and Father and Child Reunion about
how fathers can be successful at both work and home. His latest
book, just published this year, Why Men Earn More: The Startling
Truth Behind the Pay Gap and What Women Can Do About It, helps
both employers and employees understand what makes a company want to
increase an employee’s pay. His books are published in over 50
countries, and in 10 languages.
Dr. Warren Farrell is available for expert
testimony to help fathers stay equally involved in their children's
lives after divorce.
CLICK HERE to contact Dr. Warren Farrell for information.
www.WarrenFarrell.net (Why Men Earn More)
www.WarrenFarrell.biz (Father and Child Reunion)
www.WarrenFarrell.org (The Myth of Male Power)
www.WarrenFarrell.info (Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say)
www.WarrenFarrell.us (Why Men Are The Way They Are)
www.WarrenFarrell.ws (The Liberated Man)
Copyright 2002 Warren Farrell, Ph.D., all rights
reserved
