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No More Mr. Nice Guy website
Dr. Glover, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, with a doctorate
in Marriage and Family Therapy, is married to Elizabeth Oreskovich, a
psychotherapist who with Dr. Glover co-directs the Center For Healing
And Recovery. They have four children and make their home in Tacoma,
Washington.
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Guest Article... |
“why are
women attracted to jerks instead of nice guys like me?”
by
Robert A.
Glover, Ph.D. ©2006
author of
No More Mr. Nice guy
Dear Dr. Glover
I was speaking with a close friend (girl) the other day. She said
something that has got me thinking . . . It seems that women would
much rather deal with asshole/angry/smart-ass men than men who are
trying to be honest about how they feel.
I don't want to be an asshole to women but now I'm getting that
there almost isn't any other way. More than half of my closest
friends are women. At 32 I am a self proclaimed "Master" at being
women's friends. I thought that it was an honorable path, the right
path. I have heard this reflected back to me my entire life.
Two years ago I found the seduction community. However, I'm trying
to do this the right way, not from a place of elevated ego or
dominating women or even manipulating them. If this comes down to a
muscle then please bring the heavy weights.
Joseph, Boulder, CO
The universal Nice Guy lament, “why are women attracted to jerks
instead of nice guys like me?”
I suspect there are many reasons why some women are attracted to men
who treat them badly (guys who sleep with their best friend, beat
them up, run up their credit card, put them down in public, etc).
Here’s my list of top five reasons why (some) women are attracted to
jerks:
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Some women have low self-esteem. Being treated badly is
what they expect and what they feel they deserve. (Do you really
want this woman as a girlfriend) |
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It feels familiar. If a woman experienced abuse or
unpredictable love from her parents as a child, she will
recreate this as an adult. She will co-create “trauma bonds”
with “jerks” which are difficult to break and which will
probably be repeated throughout her life. |
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Women are security oriented animals. The “Jerk” probably
has some fierceness. Sometimes women mistake fierceness for
healthy male power (and sometimes there isn’t much of choice –
If you were a woman, which would you choose; the guy with some
intensity and balls or the passive guy with his penis tucked
between his legs?). |
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Healthy, straight women want a “MAN,” not another girlfriend.
Having a “girlfriend with a penis” – a guy who spends hours
listening to her talk about her problems -- just doesn’t turn
most women on. |
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The jerk probably actually made a move – he asked her out or
made a sexual advance. Meanwhile, the Nice Guy spent hours
fantasizing about what it would be like if she was his
girlfriend. The Nice Guy never actually let her know how he felt
because he didn’t want to get “rejected” or take the chance of
ruining their “friendship” (you know, lose the opportunity to
spend countless hours listening to her complain about how badly
her “jerk” boyfriend is treating her and then going home every
night and masturbating alone while fantasizing about her.)
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So what’s the answer? Become a “jerk?” Treat women badly? Smack them
around? Or maybe spend lots of money on “Seduction” books, videos
and workshops and become a “Geek with Techniques?” You can
learn to “peacock” and “neg” but that doesn’t guarantee you’ll ever
get past the “number close” or even know what to talk about if you
do.
In my dating seminars and workshops I help recovering Nice Guys change
their thinking and change their approach to women.
Since most Nice Guys don’t believe a woman whom they desire would
desire them just they way they are, they believe they must become
the woman’s “friend” first before she would ever consider become his
girlfriend. This is ineffective dating strategy and terrible
foreplay.
I frequently tell men that if they want to get a girlfriend or get
laid, they have to first get out of the “Nursery.” This means they
have to quit hanging around women they aren’t having sex with (this
includes mothers, sisters, and female friends in general). These
women are “safe” for the Nice Guy because they don’t represent any
kind of a sexual challenge.
Spending too much time with women with whom you aren’t having sex
makes sexless relationships feel normal. If you want to find a
girlfriend and/or sex partner, you have to hang out with women with
whom these are realistic possibilities.
When you spend too much non-sexual time with women, you quit seeing
women as sexual objects (this is important even though we’ve been
told we are bad men if we sexually objectify women). Spending too
much time in the “nursery” with safe women stifles your healthy male
sexuality. This causes you to lose your sexual aura. Women observe
this and never even think of you in sexual terms (“You’re my friend,
I couldn’t have sex with YOU”).
Animal studies have found that male animals placed among females with
whom they can’t mate experience a drop in testosterone (this not
only kills the male’s sex-drive, but the female’s interest in him).
If this same male is placed with an alpha male who is sexually
active, his testosterone levels rise.
You have to get out of the nursery, spend time with men, confront your
sexual anxiety, sexual shame and self-limiting beliefs. Then you
have to practice the three fundamental principles of successful
dating and mating:
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Let go of attachment to outcome. |
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Set the tone and take the lead. |
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Test for interest level. |
Once you are involved in healthy sexual relationships with women, you
can then spend some quality time hanging out with mom, sis and a
female friend or two. But first things first. Get out of the
nursery, spend time with guys doing guy things, and give the lovely
ladies a third option to choose from besides jerks and doormats.
Dr. Glover
Upcoming “Dating Essentials for Men” seminars and workshops with
Dr. Glover:
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Denver, Co: Sunday, April 2nd (six hours) |
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Los Angeles, CA: Sunday, May 14th (six hours) |
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Bellevue, WA: Saturday & Sunday, June 3rd & 4th (12 hours)
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Email Dr. Glover
robert@nomoremrniceguy.com
for information and registration.
Phone Dr. Glover: 253.874.1308
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