Stop
Being the "Safe Guy"
by
Robert A.
Glover, Ph.D. ©2007
author of
No More Mr. Nice guy
A client recently sent me the following column by
Nicole Beland from Men's Health magazine entitled, "Stop Being the
"Safe Guy".
Ever since I started writing this column,
thousands of you have sent me angst-filled e-mails asking: Why
do nice guys finish last?
Most single women aren't waiting for a nice
guy -- we're waiting for sparks to fly. While "nice" is a
quality we appreciate, it's not one that make our palms sweat or
our hearts beat faster or leaves us wanting more after every
date. After all, on the first date a nice guy won't tell a woman
she looks incredibly sexy even if he's thinking it; he won't
make fun of the froufrou way she holds her cocktail glass; and
he definitely won't put his hands on that sweet spot just above
her waste when he kisses her goodnight.
What I'm getting at: If you want sparks, make
friction -- and that means taking risks. Next time you feel
you're coming across as merely benign, confess an unpopular
opinion, tease her a little, give in to an urge to do something
unexpected -- and when you kiss her, do it like you don't give a
damn whether she thinks you're nice.
In No More Mr. Nice Guy, I note that Nice Guys tend
to be like teflon. They are so concerned about approval, being
liked, and never making a mistake, that they actually make it
difficult for women to be turned on by them. Even though women will
often claim to want to find a "nice guy", their own hard- wired
biology actually prevents them from being physically aroused by the
passively, pleasing Nice Guy.
As the columnist above states, women want a man who
will take a risk and do the unexpected. As a professional dating
coach friend of mine (a woman) states, women want a "good man with
an edge". This principle applies whether you are married or single.
When I began dating five years ago after 25 years of
marriage, I quickly discovered that being "nice" only attracted
women who just wanted to be "friends". This didn't surprise me.
Twenty-five years of listening to women talk about their
relationships in couples counseling had already taught me that while
a woman wants to be treated well by her man, she isn't turned on by
a partner who is constantly seeking her approval.
Having an "edge" is confusing to Nice Guys. All they
can hear is that they would have to become like the "Asshole/Jerk"
that they've been trying to be different from all of their lives.
Having an edge doesn't mean being a jerk. It means
being real. Being yourself. Taking risks. Challenging yourself.
Having a life. Letting go of a need for external validation.
Regardless of whether you are single or in a relationship, here are
a few suggestions for developing an "edge".
Be Yourself. Stop worrying about what people think
about you. This kills your life energy. Pleasers don't attract much
attention. Ask yourself, "What would I be like if I didn't care what
anyone thought of me?" Then go be that.
I was talking with a client this week who is in a
six month relationship. About two months into the relationship, his
girlfriend broke up with him and said she just wanted to be friends.
This is about the time he first came in to see me. They had already
planned a trip to Vegas together and he was wondering if he should
go. I suggested that he go and practice two things -- setting the
tone and being himself. He returned from the trip to report that
things went great and they had both enjoyed a fun and passionate
weekend. Now four months later, he says the relationship is still
going well, and the woman seems to be very happy being more than
just friends. He now likens her change to the fact that he is being
himself, taking the lead, and not worrying so much about trying to
please her. He stated that early on, he was afraid of being himself
because he didn't know if she would like him the way he was. Once he
started being himself, the relationship became everything he wanted
it to be.
Let go of attachment to outcome. Nice guys are
always trying to control the people and situations around them. They
are risk-avoidant. They don't like surprises. They want a smooth
life. This kills a man's life energy. It makes him bland and boring.
In order to turn women on, you have to be willing to take risks,
make a mistake, look foolish. No one will quit liking you for being
less than perfect. In fact, it is your imperfections that make you
interesting. Think about it, are you attracted to "perfect" people
or people who have a little quirkiness and realness to them?
Blurt. In my dating seminars and classes, shy men
will often tell me that they can't think of anything to say when
they approach a woman. I tell them this isn't true. They have plenty
to say, but they have created a filter in their mind that constantly
and quietly warns them, "Don't say that, it might be the wrong
thing, she might disagree, you might look foolish". Trying to get
anything past this sensor proves difficult. So these men typically
don't say anything or what they do say is bland and boring.
I tell these guys to practice "blurting" -- to say
whatever comes to mind. Don't pre-think it. Don't get caught up in
the paralysis of analysis. Say whatever off-the-wall thing comes to
mind. Have an opinion. State the obvious. Be silly. This of course
means that they will indeed sometimes say something stupid or even
inappropriate. But by taking off the filter, at least something
comes out of their mouths and more often than not, it is interesting
and stimulating.
This applies to married men as well. One of the biggest complaints I
hear from married women is that they don't know what is going on
inside their man's head. Your woman wants to know what you are
thinking -- even if she disagrees with it! The average married man
has developed the philosophy that you can't be crucified for what
you don't say. But over the long-term, a woman can't be aroused by a
man who keeps his thoughts and opinions to himself. Blurt!
Have a plan. Whether you are single or married, it
is your job to set the tone and take the lead. That doesn't mean
being controlling or dominating. It just means having a plan.
Recently one of my clients shared in group that his live-in
girlfriend got mad at him when he asker her, "What do you want to do
this weekend?" He couldn't understand her reaction because he was
just trying to be considerate.
Here's the reason she got mad. He already knew what
he wanted to do that weekend -- he wanted to go camping. But instead
of telling her that in a clear and direct way, he asked her what she
wanted to do, hoping he could steer her toward what he wanted
without actually having to state his plan. She knew he was being
indirect and she resented being put in that situation. When he
finally came out and said he wanted to go camping, she said "Great,
lets go".
Having a plan isn't being controlling, it is giving
a woman a choice. If you are single, don't ask a woman, "Would you
like to go out with me sometime?" Tell her to meet you at Starbucks
on Tuesday afternoon for coffee. She knows exactly what she is
signing up for and she isn't burdened by having to come up with a
plan.
If you are in a relationship, don't come home in the
evening and ask, "What do you want to do tonight?" Walk in the door
and say, "Be dressed and ready to go dancing by 8:00." Give her the
choice to follow your lead or not. Give her the chance to propose an
alternative. Just don't leave everything up to her. She'll resent
it.
As much as a woman might want to be attracted to a
Nice Guy, she can't. Her biology won't allow it. Stop being the safe
guy. Be a good man with an edge. Be yourself. That's what turns a
woman on!
Dr. Robert Glover
Email Dr. Glover
robert@nomoremrniceguy.com
for information and registration.
Phone Dr. Glover: 253.874.1308
