Although conflict is inevitable, if you want to be happier in your marriage you’re going to have take time to understand how you react to conflict, understand how your wife reacts and why her reaction is very likely different from yours, and finally how the two of you can come to terms on issues that cause this conflict over and over again.

HE-MAN HORMONES

Human biology has actually wired men to be good at conflict.  On average we weigh eight percent more than women, and we are six percent taller. We have greater muscle mass and less body fat.  It is no accident of history that most great warriors and soldiers have been men.  Men have a highly attuned internal alert system. When pressured to act, their arousal system kicks in with fight-or-flight body changes – changes well suited to solve conflict.  From gladiators, to matadors, to hockey fans, men are designed for confrontation.

Not all men, of course, have the physique or physiology of a fighter. But, because of the male hormones that flood their brains, men are more likely than women to have a physically intense response to stress. As tension builds, they experience an increase in muscle tension (including tightening of the jaw), an elevation in blood pressure, flushing, an increase in heart rate, and more rapid breathing.  Because men were designed for gross motor activity, their sensitivity to pain decreases, as does their receptivity to sound in response to.

Women, in contrast, often soften as conflict escalates. Shelly Taylor, a researcher from California, discovered that quite unlike men who lapse into the fight-or-flight response when they are stressed, women frequently lapse into a tend-or-befriend mode in which they deal with stress by caring for others and sharing an emotional connection. It is theorized this happens because of women’s dependence on oxytocin (that brain chemical that controls maternal nurturance and empathic bonding) as a stress fighter.  Of course women do experience autonomic activation of fight-or-flight too, but it’s not their natural inclination, whereas for men, the high level of arousal is performance enhancing.

This intense physical response was absolutely necessary to help males in the wild manage conflict. When faced with confrontation, their bodies give them an immediate rush of adrenaline and dopamine.  These hormones cause a mild state of euphoria and an extra burst of energy during battle—it’s the same chemical reaction that explains how a father can suddenly lift the corner of a car to save his child pinned beneath.  Moreover, the threat of conflict gives males a surge in testosterone as he comes face-to-face with his nemeses. 

A man’s testosterone acts to help him maintain focus on one item, at least while it is a threat to him.  From an evolutionary perspective, that’s good because if there’s a rhinoceros bearing down on you in the grassland, you want to be able to keep your eye on it.  Moreover, testosterone has perfected the “cause-and-effect brain.”  When a man feels threatened, his brain’s ability to assess visual-spatial data is critical.  Once he locks in to the challenge, his one-tracked mind allows him to  send information quickly to the motor cortex of the brain, so he’s called into action.  There’s no time for multitasking here.  All that’s really required as the perissodactyl bears down on you is…RUN!

You would think, then, given all the biologic reasons why guys are made for a good fight that we would welcome the opportunity to engage in a little conflict with our wives.  You would think wrong!

THE CHALLENGE OF TAMING INSTINCTS

Historically, man may have been perfectly suited for fighting off his enemies or protecting his cave, but in modern society there aren’t any marauding hoards to defend against. In fact, there aren’t even any hearth-and-home caves left to protect. So, even though we are designed to fight, a man at war doesn’t fit comfortably in the domesticated world. 

Let’s look at our modern man as he becomes enraged.  As his blood pressure elevates, veins pop out above his collar, his eyes bulge, his face reddens. Because he hears less, he shouts. Because he feels less, he pounds his fist against the table.  He becomes locked in on the object of his fury—whatever it is that he and his opponent disagree about—and refuses to let go until all surrender.  He gets puffed with adrenaline and seeks frantically, above all, to win.  This is not at all attractive to our wives. Go figger! 

In our culture, posturing, puffing and clenching of jaws are viewed as danger signs in relationships, and smart men avoid such displays of rage and usually the marital conflicts that cause it.  That’s why it’s not surprising that wives initiate 85 percent of all household complaints. When men are confronted with irritating marital issues, they are much more likely than women to withdraw from any discussion of the subject. Their biology tells them to fight back, but society, conscience, and common sense tell them they must not.  So a man feels cornered when his wife gets angry, and yet he must attempt to keep unsheathed his most natural fighting tools.

In today’s world, man must use his higher cortical functions, not his brain stem based instincts, to solve problems.  This is the he-man approach of the future as we all know from countless Star Trek episodes that proved that brute force never wins.  The clever and creative Captain Kirk teams up with the logical Mr. Spock; together they design some ingenious non-violent plan to get out of some terrible, often life-threatening, predicament.  That’s our goal.