Superdads Need Love Too!
by
Dr. Scott Haltzman
© 2004
Let’s be clear about the term “Superdad.”
I didn’t invent it. Several months ago, a reporter from the
Christian Science Monitor contacted me to talk about my
professional and personal experience with fathers who tried to
balance work and home life. Later, a TIME reporter
interviewed me about men who feel lost between a world of unstable
economic security and a home life of unmanageable domestic duties.
In both of these articles, the writers applied the Superdad label.
But if the shoe fits…
In the developed countries, today’s fathers and husbands face
complicated work and social expectations with no historical
foundations to provide guidance. In pre-historic society—the
halcyon days of the hunter/gatherers—men had a clearly defined role
in the cave-hold. Simple, yet arduous, the man’s job required him
to leave home for days, hunt with a group of other men until he
found a suitable meal, then return home with his quarry (where his
wife was busy gathering berries and nuts). He did not have
significant child-rearing duties until his sons became of hunting
age.
Once human development moved into the agrarian age, men again went
out in the fields, working until the sun went down. Women also
worked hard, but community standards and division of labor didn’t
allow for the man to take an active part in the day-to-day tasks
raising his children—until, of course, they could work on the farm.
In the early industrial age, the man toiled for twelve-hour days in
factories. Instead of providing dead animals or livestock for his
family, he brought home a paycheck. Women nurtured children; men
weren’t expected to manage the household.
We
live in a new era. Cars and telephones were the inventions that
marked the beginning of the twentieth century; cell-phones and
Internet mark the beginning of the twenty-first. Because of the
electronic age, experts declared that a mere investment of forty
hours weekly would result in more efficiency than ever—supposedly
enough to get all the essential work tasks done. In theory, humans
in first-world countries have more free time now than at any other
point in history. In theory.
But in reality, life doesn’t feel simpler. In my psychiatry
practice, I cannot recall any working parents who tell me: “Doc, I
just have too much time on my hands.” The demands of life have not
eased with evolution. And men are having it tougher than ever.
Now, I know it’s politically incorrect to suggest that anyone has it
as tough as a woman. Women work damn hard. I won’t step into the
fray of comparing workload by gender; I’ll leave that to the
well-researched writings of Glenn Sachs or Warren Farrell. But I
will suggest a way of viewing the situation that just about everyone
can agree with: in the dawn of the twenty-first century, a father’s
occupational security is at an all time low while the expectations
for him to contribute to the hands-on raising of his children is at
an all time high.
Here in Rhode Island I see multi-national banks buying other
multi-national banks, international food chains muscling out
regional supermarkets and manufacturing jobs leaving the state in
droves. Even when these changes don’t result in job layoffs,
corporate reshuffling leaves a residue of insecurity in the
economy. It gives the clear message: “Here today; tomorrow: who
knows?” Yes, women work, too. But in America, men are the main
breadwinners in 70 percent of all households.
The economy is only half the story. In the last thirty years,
feminism has delivered a clear message to women: Nothing you desire
should be out of your reach. Feminism encouraged women to succeed
in the workforce or at home depending on what they wanted for
themselves. Meanwhile, in an era when women were defining roles for
other women, an interesting subplot developed: women were also
defining roles for men.
According to women, men must remain in the work
force, and handle the responsibility of securing a safe habitat for
the family.
When able-bodied husbands stay at home to raise their families, it
is most frequently because the woman has chosen to be the
breadwinner. I know of few cases in which a man can
successfully maintain a marriage with the attitude of: “Let her find
a job, I prefer to be a stay-at-home dad.” Such men are
considered lazy and irresponsible.
While contemporary men aren’t given any slack in their work
expectations, women have raised the bar for what is needed from them
at home. Wives ask that when a husband arrives home, he should
fully participate in the care and raising of children. Most men
like the idea; it’s a role they wish to fulfill. But there’s no
room for winding down as you walk in the door after work, and a
crying baby is shoved into your arms. We men may not talk about it
much, but we recognize that the chronic strain of being “on,”
contributes to our weariness and strain.
Men aren’t averse to shouldering mounting responsibilities. The dads
that absorb this role do it without protest, accepting that the
additional stress has the silver lining of improving the bonds with
their children. Here’s input on fatherhood I found on
www.americasdebate.com/
forums:
“I
love the time I spend with my children. I don't consider myself a
"super-dad,” I just do what I have to do, and I enjoy it, and I
especially enjoy the positive feedback I get from my kids.”
So, that’s all that’s expected of men in the
new millennium, right?
Wrong.
The other area that social planners (read: women) have added to our
“to do” list is to tune in to the emotionally needs of our wives.
It’s not a bad thing to expect a husband to listen patiently at his
woman’s concerns. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting him to
share his own internal world with her. No, it’s not bad; it’s just
damned hard! Men aren’t hardwired to sit on their hands and listen
for the sake of listening, even though that may be exactly what
their wives want. Nor are they pre-programmed to talk about their
own emotional experiences. While it may make the missus feel warm
and fuzzy to discuss feelings, it often makes the mister feel
uncomfortable. But, like it or not, it’s now part of what we need
to do to be better men and husbands.
The confluence of job insecurity and increasing domestic and
emotional demands has resulted in challenges for men not known to
their forefathers. Is this the evolution of a new breed of man? Do
we need to label him, as has the media, a “Superdad”? To outsiders
looking in, it would seem so; the Herculean task of being all things
for all people, even at the expense of what we desire for ourselves,
can drain the vitality out of even the toughest guys. But most men
who take on the task of balancing the demands of work, home and
relationship don’t see themselves that way. They just grit their
teeth, ignore the pain, and tell me: “I’m just doing my job.”
I
admire these men; they are more “super” than they realize. I spend
my career supporting them, and helping them find joy in their
challenges. I recognize the honor and love they bring their families
and their wives. But the grind wears down men who strive to succeed
in all fronts. They need support. They need the encouragement of
their brothers in the work place. They need to be recognized for
their efforts by the media. They need acknowledgment from the
religious and political institutions that surround them. And, above
all, they need their wives to look them lovingly in the eye and say,
“I appreciate you.” THEN…they can take out the trash.
Copyright 2004 Dr. Scott
Haltzman, all rights reserved
