From
MEN ARE
GREAT:
How to
Build a Relationship That Brings out the Best in Both of
You
by
Karen Jones @2007
founder of The Heart Matters
THE CURRENT
(SAD) STATE OF AFFAIRS
Stever
Robbins, a Harvard-trained MBA and author of It Takes a Lot More
Than Attitude…To Lead a Stellar Organization, is a
communications expert and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of
NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). In our interview he had this to
say about the impact of media messages on relationships between men
and women:
The stereotype becomes self-reinforcing. The ‘stupid
man’ thing becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It becomes a
reference. It provides a model for how not to appreciate men.
Consequently, Robbins says he limits the amount of television and
radio that he is exposed to. Smart man!
I also spoke with Mike Shubov, founder of
www.men4liberty.com, who identified two major effects of media
messages on women’s perceptions of men:
First of all, men are portrayed as very violent and
dangerous. Therefore, most American women will be more acquainted
with male villains like Scott Peterson (the man sentenced for the
killing of his wife and unborn child) or Osama Bin Laden than with
most male acquaintances. This is likely to generate much fear, and
even hatred, towards men. Secondly, abuse of men is portrayed as
acceptable, justifiable and heroic. Fortunately, over 70 percent of
women never hit men, despite the number of times the media tells
them it is OK. These women have an inborn kindness which is
stronger than the cruel culture we (men) live in.
I
must offer an important side note to Mike’s comments, which is that
statistics do reveal a significant number of domestic abuse cases in
which women are the batterers (a fact not often reported in the
media). Data from the U.S. Department of Justice in May 2000
revealed that men were the victims in 15 – 16 percent of all
reported domestic violence episodes. And that number is probably
much higher, given the likelihood that men may be reluctant to go to
the authorities when their women are violent or abusive toward
them. So, women are not the sole victims of domestic abuse and
violence, even though they garner a huge majority of the public
awareness, government funding, advocacy, and compassion.
I spoke with Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of several
best-sellers, including
The Myth About Male Power and
Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, both of which
are on the recommended reading list at the end of the book, about
this issue. He shared some startling facts with me:
Since 1976 close to 100 significant studies have been
done on domestic violence, every one of which shows one of two
things: that men and women batter each other about equally, or that
women hit men more frequently or slightly more frequently than men
hit women (some show much more frequently). And that’s true on all
seven levels of conflict - from the most minor version of a slap to
the most major version of shooting their partner or stabbing their
partner.
Here is another quote from
Spreading Misandry: The Teaching of Hatred of Men in Popular
Culture that really speaks to the damage being done:
Feminists have long pointed out that the way women
are represented in movies or on television can have a profound
effect on the way men see women in real life and – even more
important – on the way women see themselves in real life. And the
process works both ways. Popular culture, in turn, is heavily
influenced by the way men see women and the way women see
themselves. The same thing happens in connection with men: the way
women see men and the way men see themselves.
So, what’s so funny about male-bashing?
I know that jokes fly around all the time and they’re
aimed at every imaginable group, race, religion, ethnicity and
profession. I want to bring attention to the fact that these jokes
can cause harm when they demean or dehumanize people, because we are
all affected by the messages we take in, whether they are subtle,
humorous, loud or profound. Think, even, of the things you say to
yourself that contribute to feelings of inadequacy and low
self-worth (“I can’t ever do it right,” “I am too fat – skinny
–ugly –pretty – tall – short – stupid - smart),” “I will never be
loved by a good man,” “I don’t really deserve to have what I
want.”).
We are powerfully impacted by words and messages,
whether they come from internal or external sources. Why else would
Madison Avenue advertising agencies encourage their clients to spend
millions of dollars on a 30-second commercial airing during the
Super Bowl? They do it to influence your thinking, and,
consequently, your spending habits. And it works!
But you might still wonder:” What harm can come from
a few little jokes?” Plenty. If you have an attitude that says
“all men are idiots” or “men are babies” or “men are commitment-phobes,”
then consider the reinforcement you’d get from jokes like the ones
below.
American Greetings sells a card in their "We're
Talkin’ Funny" section that depicts a male voodoo doll with more
than 20 pins stuck in the crotch. The printed message inside the
card reads "Me?! Sick of Men? Why do you ask?"
The card effectively conveys the message that sexual
violence committed by women against men is not only acceptable, but
amusing. According to American Greetings (which has refused to pull
the card from store shelves despite requests from various men’s
groups to do so), the card is an "above average performer."
American Greetings does not market a similar card depicting a female
voodoo doll.
I walked into one of my favorite grocery stores
recently, and found they had started carrying a line of products in
the style of the ‘50s that really made me unhappy. In the section
with all the household goods, they had calendars, and mugs, and
other items from this one company where clearly the slant was
anti-male. Here are two examples of what they had on this
particular day:
A calendar, with the photo of a man looking very
surprised, where the first line on the cover was the word “Father”
in very bold letters. The second line, in smaller print, said
“(hasn’t realized that no one in the house really believes he”) and
then the 3rd line, again in very bold letters, said
“Knows Best.” When looking from afar, the message was “Father Knows
Best”, and upon closer inspection, it said the complete opposite.
One of the coffee mugs, with the picture of a woman
(‘50s style) looking quite happy, had this caption: “She could no
longer pretend he wasn’t an idiot.”
There
were lots more; I didn’t have the heart to keep looking.
This next section is a compilation of some of the
Internet jokes I’ve received. If you want to see a more extensive
collection, read Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, by
Warren Farrell – he has been researching and collecting data for
much longer than I have, and it’s very well documented in his book.
By the way, something I did a while ago that you may
think about doing: I started replying to senders of these types of
jokes with either a request they not send me any more anti-men
jokes, or I asked them how they felt it was impacting their
attitudes. I got some interesting responses (one woman told me I
was way too serious about this). Maybe so. And then again, maybe
not.
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO
BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES,
AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC. (note: this comes from England)
1. Don't
imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies (diapers).
2. What do you do if
your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man
on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your
man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger
man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the
same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them
apart.
7. Definition of a
bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman
miserable.
8. Women don't make
fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a
man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but
marriage is a real eye-opener
11. If you want a
committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of
Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical
times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what
sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
14. Remember a sense
of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you
laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are
created equal.
Send this to 5
Bright Women to make their day!
What's the difference between a boyfriend and
husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
A male friend forwarded an email to me that he’d
received from a woman with “why women think men are immature” in the
subject line. The email contained five photos, all of them
depicting men doing things that could also have been seen as
“free-spirited”, or “fun-loving”, or “adventurous”, or “not taking
themselves too seriously”, but the caption labeled them “immature”.
The judgment is harsh.
Advertising has also been a big culprit in the
male-bashing arena (and notice that you are not likely to see
any of these negative messages aimed at women – the public outcry
would be too severe). Below are just a few of the items I came
across over a brief period of time.
·
There
was a company that mass-produced t-shirts with the slogan “Boys are
Stupid. Throw Rocks at Them”. They were a big seller. This came
to the attention of Glenn Sacks (www.glennsacks.com),
who launched a very successful campaign through his radio show and
newsletter and managed to get the inventory pulled from some of the
larger chains. Unfortunately, the company did keep manufacturing
the product. It said the shirts were too successful to stop the
line.
·
I
remember listening to the radio one day, when an ad for a mortgage
company came on. It featured a man whistling happily and hammering
away, when a woman’s voice demands in a very curt tone, “What
are you doing?” He replies, “Honey, I’m creating that room you’ve
always wanted!” She snorts, and with complete disdain in her voice
says, “You’re taking down a load-bearing wall!”
The implied message? He’s a clueless idiot, she knows
better about construction and renovation than he does. One other
item: nowhere in the commercial do you hear any appreciation for
what he was trying to do: to make her happy.
·
An old
Boston magazine cover created a lot of controversy when it
depicted three guys and a caption that reads “Why are all the men in
Boston gay, married or pathetic?”
·
My
husband showed me a full-page ad in the New Yorker for Rolex (for
her) watches. There was a photo of a gorgeous, thin and impeccably
dressed woman with a fur stole around her shoulders. She was
standing in an ice cave, and the expression on her face was cold.
The caption read:
Ice is like a man’s ego.
Fun to crush.
Ouch! (My comment.)
·
A
digital camera ad: A young husband walks through a grocery store,
trying to match photos in his hand with items on the shelves. Cut to
his wife in the kitchen, snapping digital pictures of all the items
in the pantry so that hubby won't screw up the shopping.
Verizon had been airing a television commercial for
their DSL product. In it, they had a little girl of about eight
working at a computer. Her father is looking over her shoulder,
looking slightly amazed. He says something silly like “That’s like
an encyclopedia thing!” The child says, “It IS an encyclopedia’ and
in a look which could kill, looks at her mother as if to say “get
this idiot out of here.” The mother is standing in the doorway and
tells the father to go wash the dog. He says he’s helping his
daughter with her homework and stays. The mother snaps “Leave her
alone!” and, when he hesitates, she yells at him. The father,
humiliated, walks away looking like a whipped puppy.
I don’t know if you ever saw that particular
commercial, but I was so glad to learn that Glenn Sacks (www.glennsacks.com)
launched a successful campaign to get it off the air. He’s done a
great job of rallying people to act when men are being unfairly
represented.
Unfortunately, if you pay careful attention, you’ll
see these kinds of messages about men everywhere you look. And I
see the damage they cause every day, working with women who want
great men and don’t believe they exist, or know how to treat them.
Think
about this: there are self-help programs that instruct you to listen
to CDs while you’re sleeping, because the beneficial messages will
still get planted in your mind. Doesn’t it then stand to reason
that anything you’re hearing or seeing, even if it seems to be just
“background noise,” is getting through to your subconscious? And,
if you already have doubts or negative feelings about men, can’t you
imagine that these external messages are reinforcing your existing
beliefs? The answer to that question is a resounding “Yes!”
And I think it’s time we challenged those messages, and filled our
precious minds (where thoughts begin and attitudes and beliefs are
shaped) with positive expectations of men.
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Copyright © 2007 by Karen Jones
