In Defense of Romance in
the Workplace
by
Marty Nemko, Ph.D. © 2005
I have a bias toward romance in the workplace. You
see, I met my wife at work.
Yeah, I know conventional wisdom says office
romance is a no-no, but I think that’s unfortunate. You’re much more
likely to meet Mr. or Ms. Right at work than at a bar or dance. At
work, you get to see what the person’s like day in and day out.
Plus, you don’t have to spend night after night at singles events
waiting for Mr. or Ms.Goodbar.
If your employer permits coworker dating, here are
some ways to maximize the lovin’ while minimizing the riskin’.
Be honest with your prospective partner.
If you’re looking only for a quick fling, don’t
make long-term-relationship noises in your efforts to seduce. If you
do and then after a hot date or two, suddenly cool off, let alone
start flirting with another officemate, you’re asking for big-time
reprisals. Remember the old saw, “Hell hath no fury like a woman (or
a man?) scorned”?
Think twice before starting a relationship with
your boss. Even if your workplace permits
it, beware. If you later break up, your boss may retaliate. For
example, “I need you to do this extra work”…Or, “I can’t let you
take an extra 15 minutes for lunch” or, “I won’t give you additional
resources.” The opportunities for torturing you are endless.
In fairness, sometimes a relationship with a boss
can yield special privileges: “How did he get the corner
office?” Even if the boss decides to end the relationship, the boss
may give you a promotion or other perk to reduce the risk of your
filing a grievance. One study found that 64% of women who had
a romantic relationship with their boss reported that, as a result,
their work situation improved.
Think 10 times before starting a relationship
with your supervisee. That’s risky even
if the relationship is working well. For example, your
honey/supervisee begs for a plum assignment which, from a business
perspective, you believe should go to someone else, yet you feel
forced to say yes to your snookums. And if you break up, you’re in
real danger—s/he could claim abuse of the power imbalance between
the two of you. You could lose your job and gain a subpoena.
Keep it quiet. I
know, I know, when you’re in love, it’s tempting to tell everyone in
the office. Mistake. From then on, both of you will be under the
microscope. It’s dangerous even if you’re peers. For example, if
you’re seen helping your sweetie with work, someone else who also
needs your help may complain to your boss that you’re playing
favorites.
But you protest, “The chemistry between us is so
obvious; everyone already knows we’re having a relationship.”
Chances are many co-workers don’t know—they’re wrapped up in
themselves; they’re not monitoring the vibes between every pair of
people that walk by. Other co-workers may suspect but can’t be sure.
But confirm your relationship to just one person and chances are,
the whole office will know by tomorrow. And it takes just one
disgruntled co-worker to make your life miserable. Until it’s time
to send the wedding invitations, keep the relationship to
yourselves.
You might even both sign
a “prenup” such as:
We recognize
that an office romance can be risky for both of us. To reduce these
risks, we agree to make best efforts to:
ü
Keep secret our relationship until which time we both
agree it’s appropriate to go public.
ü
In work matters, treat each other as we would other
co-workers. Favoritism will likely come back to bite us.
ü
If we break up, there’s particular danger. If there
is an aggrieved party, he or she will not retaliate.
Here’s to
a great relationship.
________________ _________________
Partner 1 Partner 2
Have fun
As I said earlier, the office is a darn good place
to meet a romantic partner. Unlike in a bar, where you pick mainly
on impulse and an alcohol-impaired chat, at work you get to see more
of what a person is really like. So, you’re more likely to find love
at the office water cooler than at a barstool.
Just follow the above rules to reduce your risk
and then focus on having a great time. Being in love is wonderful.
Dr. Nemko along with Dr. Warren Farrell is creating
the National Organization for Men. Nemko was recently called “The
Bay Area’s Best Career Coach” by the San Francisco Bay Guardian. His
radio show airs Sundays 11 am to noon Pacific Time on KALW 91.7 FM
(NPR- San Francisco) and archived on www.martynemko.com. That site
also contains 400+ of his published writings. The Reader’s Choice
poll rated his book, Cool Careers for Dummies, the #1 most useful
career guide.
Copyright 2005 Marty Nemko, all rights reserved
