Men Blamed for Marriage Decline
but Women's
Relationship Wounds Often Self-Inflicted
By Jeffery
M. Leving and
Glenn Sacks
© 2005
The recent census data finding that
for the first time the majority of American women are unmarried is
being greeted in a largely celebratory tone. One metro daily
explains, "Who needs a man? Not most women." MSNBC warns, "Watch
out, men! More women opt to live alone." CBS says, "More Women
Saying 'I Don't.'" One syndicated newspaper cartoon depicts a
happily divorced woman remembering her ex-husband bellowing,
"Where's my dinner?! Iron my shirts!! Lose weight!!!" Several others
depict women pondering the single life as their fat, lazy husbands
drink beer and watch the game. One female blogger summed up the
female blogosphere's reaction--"Hurray for all Single Women! You Go
Girls!"
This census finding is now in question--apparently New York Times
reporter Sam Roberts, whose recent article created international
headlines on marriage's decline, exaggerated. Nevertheless, the
message from the Times and numerous other news outlets is
clear--marriage is in decline because men don't measure up, and are
no longer needed nor often even wanted. Since women have careers
now, we are told, men's traditional contribution--financial
support--has become largely irrelevant, and men do not now nor did
they ever contribute much more than that.
In reality, men give a lot to their families--as much as women do.
The current trend away from marriage and towards divorce and/or
remaining single has more to do with overcritical women and their
excessive expectations than it does with unsuitable men.
The most common charge leveled at men is that they don't hold up
their end in the home. Men do work, many critics say, but women
work, too, and also do most of the child care and housework--the
"second shift."
Research contradicts this. Census data shows that only 40% of
married women with children under 18 work full-time, and over a
quarter do not hold a job outside the home. According to the Bureau
of Labor Statistics' 2004 Time Use Survey, men spend one and a half
times as many hours working as women do, and full-time employed men
still work significantly more hours than full-time employed women.
When work outside the home and inside the home are properly
considered, it is clear that men do at least as much as women.
A 2002 University of Michigan Institute for Social Research survey
found that women do 11 more hours of housework a week than men, but
men work at their jobs 14 hours a week more than women. According to
the BLS, men's total time at leisure, sleeping, doing personal care
activities, or socializing is a statistically meaningless 1% higher
than women's. The Families and Work Institute in New York City found
that fathers, despite their greater market labor load, provide
three-fourths as much child care as mothers do. And these studies do
not account for the fact, strongly supported by federal Department
of Labor data, that men's jobs tend to be more dangerous and
physically straining than women's.
To what, then, do we attribute women's discontent with marriage and
relationships, and the fact that they initiate the vast majority of
divorces? A new Woman's Day magazine poll found that 56% of married
women would not or might not marry their husbands if they could
choose again--why?
Nobody would dispute that, in selecting a mate, women are more
discerning than men. This is an evolutionary necessity--a woman must
carefully evaluate who is likely to remain loyal to her and protect
and provide for her and her children. If a man and a woman go on a
blind date and don't hit it off, the man will shrug and say "it went
OK." The woman will give five reasons why he's not right for her.
A woman's discerning, critical nature doesn't disappear on her
wedding day. Most marital problems and marriage counseling sessions
revolve around why the wife is unhappy with her husband, even though
they could just as easily be about why the husband is unhappy with
the wife. In this common pre-divorce scenario there are only two
possibilities-either she's a great wife and he's a lousy husband, or
she's far more critical of him than he is of her. Usually it's the
latter.
Despite this week's media homilies, it's doubtful that many men or
women are truly happy alone. Much of women's cheerful "I don't need
a man/I love my cats" reaction has a hollow ring to it, and sounds a
lot more like whistling in the dark than a celebration.
Yes, there are some men who make poor mates, but not nearly enough
to account for the divorce epidemic and the decline of marriage.
While it's easy and popular to blame men, many of the wounds women
bear from failed relationships and loneliness are self-inflicted.
Jeffery M. Leving is one of America's
most prominent family law attorneys. He is the author of the new
HarperCollins book Divorce Wars: A Field Guide to the Winning
Tactics, Preemptive Strikes, and Top Maneuvers When Divorce Gets
Ugly. His website is www.dadsrights.com.
Glenn Sacks' columns on men's and fathers' issues have appeared in
dozens of America's largest newspapers. Glenn can be reached via his
website at www.GlennSacks.com or via email at Glenn@GlennSacks.com.
Copyright 2005 Glenn
Sacks, all rights reserved
