Martin G. Friedman is the author of “Straight Talk for Men About Marriage—What Men Need to Know About Marriage (And What Women Need to Know About Men)”. For many years, Marty Friedman taught corporate managers how to create good relationships at work before tackling male/female relationship issues--and applying what he learned to his own marriage. The founder of Men in Marriage, Marty is regularly interviewed on radio and television, and talks to organizations and individuals from a unique, inspirational and humorous perspective. Find out more at www.meninmarriage
.com.
 

The Keys to Understanding Men
and Creating a Lifelong, Loving Relationship

Part two

by
Marty Friedman © 2005

Very few men feel that they get enough appreciation, care and recognition at home. In fact, most men say that they get much more criticism than appreciation. This doesn’t mean that they are actually criticized; it means they feel criticized. And when are they most likely to feel criticized? When their women tell them how badly they have performed and list all their shortcomings. Even if your motivation is completely altruistic, even if you are only trying to help your man reach his potential, he is very likely to feel shamed that he hasn’t measured up to your expectations. The best way out of this conundrum is to stop trying to change your man and start requesting what you want. Give him lots of appreciation for the tasks and challenges he completes. Just like kids, men will give you more of whatever you praise.

While we’re on the topic of performance and criticism, we can look at another aspect of how men are put together: Men want to feel like heroes.

What is a hero? Webster’s Dictionary defines it as “a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities. In the Homeric period of classical mythology a hero was a warrior-chieftain of special strength, courage, or ability. According to the dictionary, heroic men are considered to be bold, altruistic, determined, daring, valiant, gallant, brave and …OK, you get the picture. Somewhere in our genetic make-up, we men have the desire to be heroic warriors, to fight for great causes and perform brave deeds. We grow up hearing fairy tales of warriors and princes, daring explorers and soldiers, and we hear stories of sports heroes from before we can even read. Even when we find out that Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle had feet of clay we still admire their heroic exploits—and we believe in our heart of hearts that we are capable of great and heroic actions, too, just like Michael Jordan. There is a secret Superman inside every mild-mannered Clark Kent.

So, what does all this mean to you? The point is this: If you want a man to be happy and loving, you would do well to recognize his heroic acts—for a man can’t feel like a hero if no one is around to acclaim his heroism.

I know what you’re thinking…”My man doesn’t do anything courageous or daring--he just sits in the Barcalounger and watches the game!” That may be true, but the truth is that he wants to feel like a hero, he wants to feel like he is performing extraordinary deeds—and in his mind he may already be performing heroic tasks. Now, here’s the kicker: a man in a relationship would love to feel that he is doing many of his extraordinary deeds for you.

I heard this story the other day: a married man decided to plan in advance to make his upcoming wedding anniversary extra special. He got reservations at the finest restaurant in town, cleaned the car, got home from work early and arranged for a baby sitter for the kids. He put on his best suit and patiently waited for his wife to get dressed and made-up. Then, he happily drove the car to the restaurant (driving their damsels is heroic to some men). After a few minutes, his wife asked him, “Do I like fat in this outfit?” Now, the man had been married for several years, so he knew the correct answer to that question: “Honey, you look wonderful!” A moment or two passed, and the man’s wife turned to him and said, “Why did I have to ask you? You must not have really thought I looked good, if I had to ask you about it!” As she continued to criticize him, he felt more and more deflated. He was no longer the hero; he was the screw-up, the loser who couldn’t satisfy his wife.

You may not believe this, but I want you to know something important: men are extremely sensitive to your criticism, and if they feel that they are not meeting your expectations they often will feel shame. They usually won’t tell you; they’ll just act it out. Here are some of the ways you’ll see it: sulking, passive resistance, stomping around, yelling, and that old favorite tuning you out. In other words, your criticism can be extremely undermining to your man’s masculinity and it may very well backfire against you.

If a man takes half of his Sunday to fix your computer or clean out the garage he will very likely look at those actions differently than you. There is a part of his brain that thinks he is doing a heroic action for his lady, no matter how prosaic the task. This, of course, will not be true if you have repeatedly assigned him so many tasks so often that they’ve become “honey do’s”, performed grudgingly and without receiving your appreciation and admiration. A man in that situation doesn’t feel like a hero, he feels more like a worker for a grouchy and demanding boss. And he will feel and act less strongly masculine than he wants to (whether he knows it consciously or not). Conversely, a man who is feeling intensely masculine, heroic and powerful is usually going to be much more sexy and interesting to you than an emasculated nebbish.

Another man I know makes a lot of money as an entrepreneur, and he works very hard. His wife has a growing career that so far produces practically no income. Now, in his mind, he deserves respect, caring and admiration for his contribution to the home—to him, his work is a heroic task. He sees it as so important that he wants admiration, appreciation and dinner on the table as often as possible. He wants to be rewarded and respected, because his work is the primary way he uses his masculine energy.

Unfortunately, this man’s wife doesn’t see it that way. In fact, she criticizes his housekeeping habits, his diet and much more. It’s not that the money he makes is unimportant to her; it’s just that she sees it as mere money, while he sees it as a symbol of the heroic challenge he has surmounted successfully for another month. The point is that in his mind he is performing heroic, important actions for his wife--and getting nothing but grief for them.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s “right” for any man to be feel this way about his work and his income. It’s just the way many, many men feel, even if they know all about the liberated 21st Century and genuinely want their mates to be powerful, too. The idea that men must provide for their families and are thus “kings of the castle” stretches back thousands of years. Do you think this idea would die easily in one or two generations?

A man is most likely to feel heroic when he is acting to protect or provide for his family, utilize his masculine strength and power, or do any important task against great odds. Unfortunately, our modern world offers few opportunities for men to test themselves against great challenges and feel truly masculine. As a consequence, men either create their own challenges (explore caves, jump out of planes, run marathons, etc.), submerge themselves in their work, or simply feel unfulfilled and wimpy.

Men are so often told they are wrong to be masculine. We men are told that masculine equals “macho”, unfeeling, uncaring, violent and overly silent. Those aren’t authentic expressions of masculinity, nor is trying to become a Sensitive New Age Guy, that super-feminine, super-caring and soft modern man

You usually can’t create opportunities for your man to feel heroic; it’s not under your control. You can, however, notice when he feels powerful as a man and respect him in appropriate, meaningful ways. You don’t have to stroke his ego and you don’t have to fawn over him. All you have to do is let him know that you notice and appreciate his heroism and that you respect his masculine power.

In my talks and workshops, and in my book, “Straight Talk for Men About Marriage—What Men Need to Know About Marriage (And What Women Need to Know About Men)” I urge men to take on the challenge of standing tall in their relationships and marriages. I describe a path for men to feel intensely masculine in their relationships and to become engaged and 100% committed, rather than passively reacting to their wives or girlfriends. So many men are dead to the world, themselves and their wives. They are going through the motions, and they are out of touch with their own masculine power.

Many, many men are afraid to be too vulnerable, to expose their own weaknesses or hurts. Unconsciously, men pair up with women to learn how to become more intimate, vulnerable and whole. They want to learn about and embrace the feminine principle—and they intuitively know that their relationships are the best way to accomplish it. Men both want and fear true intimacy and they expect you to lead the way!

Yes, that’s right! Most men expect their women to take responsibility for creating intimacy in the relationship. Now, a man might resist intimacy and vulnerability mightily, he may kick and scream all the way. But, he knows deep down that he needs to be more open and in touch with his heart—and he knows that trusting you is the safest path to get there. So, you have a sacred and mighty responsibility, whether or not you know it, and it’s one that I hope you take very seriously. If you can treat your man with great compassion and care and love and respect, you can help him to become more of a complete human being.

The way to approach this responsibility may surprise you. If you truly want to help your man, you first must make a commitment to become intimate with yourself. This means that you have you to courageously search out your own roadblocks, the emotional patterns that prevent you from being at home with yourself. You must be willing and able to clearly understand what you need, ask for it, and be open to have it given to you. Whatever gets in the way of relating to your man in an open, heartfelt, loving and respectful way is your baggage and yours alone. One common fiction is that a man is going to save you somehow and that he will bring you happiness. You’ve no doubt already seen how that fantasy can get you into trouble.

The key is to look to yourself for the answers. Here are two rocks you can lift and peer under that would help a lot: your relationship with your father; and your mother’s relationship with your father.

It’s inevitable that your relationship with your husband or boyfriend will become polluted by how you and your father related. If, for example, your father was distant and unavailable you may have chosen a man very much like that. Why? So you could learn to work through those issues and complete them, healing your childhood wounds. Blaming your man for being like your father is beside the point and even unfair. Instead, you’d be better served by taking responsibility for your old feelings about your father, learn about them and let them go. Your husband may have some similarities to your father, but he is in fact not your father.

How did your father treat your mother, and vice-versa? As children, we learn and acquire many of the behavior patterns we notice between our parents. If, for example, your mother avoided and smoothed-over conflicts, when present-day arguments erupt at home you are likely to flee the room or make troubles magically disappear. You may, of course, pattern some behaviors after your father, as well as your mother. The point is that your parents’ relationship has influenced you much more than you may be aware, and your homework is to keep your parents influence out of the middle of your relationship with your husband or boyfriend. This is fairly simple but not always easy. You may need support to accomplish this, through therapy, art, workshops, friendships, or other approaches.

Here’s another key point about intimacy in your relationship: men usually experience and express intimacy differently than women.

Perhaps, like many women, you like to be stroked softly and held in a non-sexual way. Many men don’t find that to be comfortable or easy. A man is more likely to feel the most intimate, trusting and close when he has sex with you. A woman is most likely to want to connect before having sex, while a man feels most connected through having sex. Women are also more likely to be comfortable with verbal intimacy than men.

Nothing has to be cast in stone. Men can learn to express intimacy through deep, personal conversations. But, it’s not likely they’ll ever express their feelings as fluidly as a woman does. Men will talk about themselves and their problems in a more factual, less searching way. Similarly, men can learn to lovingly touch and hold their women quietly, even if they still prefer sex.

We men need to get over our fears and have good intimate interchanges with our women. Intimacy isn’t just for “the relationship”, or even for our partners. It allows us to explore and understand ourselves better and to feel more love and joy, along with less positive emotions we may need to experience. Whatever intimacy brings it brings closeness with our own deeper nature, as well as others. I always tell men that they need to make a commitment to learn to be vulnerable and intimate with their women, and that they need to take on their own inner demons, rather than to be run by them. Intimacy may be challenging for a man, but it’s less of a challenge when his woman is consciously managing the process of intimacy between the two of them.

What do I mean by managing, or taking responsibility, for intimacy in the relationship?

Let’s say you’ve never been fly fishing before and you are being asked to cast your line in front of someone whose opinion you value very much. Would you feel more confident and willing to try fly fishing if you were challenged, closely observed and put on the spot? Or, when you were encouraged and warmly accepted, no matter how well you did? Which do you think would lead to better long-term results? In the same way, when they are asked to be intimate, men may feel threatened by failure and put on the spot. If they reveal their vulnerability they may fear looking silly or weak. When men are little boys they usually have vulnerability beaten out of them on the playground; they are taught that if they show weakness they will be labeled sissies and maybe even attacked. We men put on armor to protective us, and most of us never quite take it off.

The best way to get a man to be more vulnerable and create intimacy between you is to build a tremendous reservoir of trust and good feeling with him. If you can gently create situations where you talk openly and honestly and lovingly or when you relax and touch in affectionate gestures, over time you can gradually create the kind of intimate relationship you want.

Most men have had the experience of feeling judged because they don’t express their vulnerability the same as women. When they are judged this way they shut down even more. It would certainly be easier for you if your man would voice his feelings easily and speak completely openly and honestly. Men are likely to tell stories, however, and to talk around their feelings and demonstrate them by their voice, body posture and eyes. Part of your challenge is to work with your man as he is, rather than making him wrong for his lack of fluency and openness with his feelings.

Just remember to respect your man’s different approach to intimacy. Let him be intimate his way sometimes, too, and let him feel powerful and masculine. He can drive the car (literally and figuratively), but it doesn’t mean he’s in charge—and you both know it. You can let him win and feel like a hero without losing a thing. And, you can take responsibility for having intimacy in your relationship without having to control your man or criticize him. Nearly every man realizes that women know and care more about the workings of relationships than they do. Don’t expect a man to know what to do; you are the expert, and it’s up to you to manage the process of intimacy and to find a way for you both to win.

Copyright 2005 Marty Friedman, all rights reserved