COYOTE ARCHIVE

Dick Prosapio aka, Coyote is a member of the TMC Advisory Council, ceremonialist, psycho-
therapist (ret.), author, leader of men's experiential workshops, & Co-founder of The Foundation for Common Sense. He lives with his wife and daughter in Stanley, NM

For more info about Dick Prosapio, visit his web-site:
Spirit/ Earth Path
 

Forks on Roads
by
Dick Prosapio  © 2002

Jean has been a friend of mine since I was three. We stayed connected for the first twenty or so years of our lives. She was just a year younger than I and we were tight. We didn't attend the same "grammar" or high schools, but we double dated a lot when we were teens. She got into sex earlier than I did and paid the price for it by getting pregnant at 16 or so. She dropped out of high school and married the guy who just couldn't handle being a father. Nonetheless they had two more kids in quick succession and his way of coping was alcohol which led to his becoming more and more prone to violent behavior.

Our paths diverged when I left Chicago and I didn't stay in touch with her at all except to hear from mutual friends that she had divorced. When I plugged back in to her life some years later she had married an ex-con who also liked his booze but claimed to have sworn off. Then they had a child together they were not supposed to have. A doc had warned them about incompatibilities in their blood types and the outcome was predictable but her husband insisted. He claimed that if she really cared about him she would agree to have a child created from their own marriage. She bought that. Their child, Samantha, was born severely mentally retarded.

Their life together was totally chaotic. The kids from Jean's first marriage were consistently rejected by their stepfather who began to drink again and, yes, had a tendency to become violent. On top of that he was making forays into his old habits of criminal activity as well. Divorce followed.

Jean couldn't cope with it all. She placed Samantha in the care of the State and tried to make it again as a single mom. The kids, two boys and a girl, were more than a handful. Given what they had experienced at the hands of two uninvolved dads, they had few boundaries and would accept none. They followed the road blazed by their role models and moved into a lifestyle of drinking and drugs and were completely alienated from their mother.

Right about here I want to tell you that Jean came from a good family. Her mother divorced her father when Jean was about six. Her step father was a great guy. No alcohol, no abuse, no family problems of note. Economically they were about a step up from the family I grew up in and there was less turmoil. She was an only child and did well in school until she dropped out.

About a year and a half ago, our 16 year old ran away into a life of drugs and borderline crime. (She was close to some very bad characters.) She came from a good home and had a good stepfather. No alcohol, no drugs. Her mother divorced her father when she was 7. There were no signs that she would do what she did. None... and we are pretty conscious people. We talked, or tried to, asked questions. Cared. There was no warning at all.

She came back eight months ago and is now creating a fine life for herself. Why did she choose to run? She told us, "Because I wanted to fit in with the other kids. They all had bad home lives and I didn't. I guess I just wanted to belong."

Both of these girls came from good families. Each chose the same road when they came to a fork. One continued with poor choice after poor choice, digging in deeper each time. The other reversed course and took the opportunity to dig out. Sometimes on the surface this looks like "bad luck vs. good luck" but I don't think it's about that. I think it's all about choices.

In neither situation was there anything the families could do to alter the choices each kid made. As Jean found out, ultimately she couldn't change her kids choices either.

I guess the lesson is this, you give 'em the best launching you can, then you pray.

As for them, everything depends on what they do after they choose. We never stop being presented with alternatives, we're never really stuck with what we have chosen for very long. No matter what the nature of that stuckness may be, the old Paul Simon song, "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover." applies, The chorus is, "Get out the back Jack, make a new plan Stan, get on the bus Gus, get yourself free."