Just When I Had
Gotten Settled
by
Dick Prosapio © 2005
I thought I was a competent person and parent when
I undertook the "step" parent role.
Actually, that's not true at all. After my first
opportunity to be a parent I thought of myself as a complete and
total failure. Some of this also became a factor in my
self-evaluation as a person as well.
Becoming a "step" parent didn't do much to improve
that belief. The first time around I took on two boys, one of whom
was borderline retarded. The other was a super-bright, "gifted" kid
and very resentful of this guy who had suddenly replaced his father
as the new "rule maker".
It didn't go well. Some of this was based upon the
fact that my then wife wasn't really sure she wanted to be married
so soon after her divorce. She had first been married when she was
17 and had never been single. She had become a mother immediately
and never had a chance to find out what she wanted for herself so
there was a lot of ambivalence in our family. Short story,
after six years of chaos it didn't work out and I never saw the kids
again after we split up.
My second opportunity to parent came with
Elizabeth and her three girls. I came into this situation because of
love and believed that I had been trained to be a better parent;
after all, I had a "Master's Degree in Clinical Social Work" and had
been a therapist for close to fifteen years. Surely I had learned
something. At least I was under the impression that I could figure
out how to do it "right" this time. Then I'd be both a good parent
and a good person.
What I learned was that these kids were not quite
like my "original" kids having inherited some very specific
genetically based tendencies due to heavy alcohol use on both sides
of the family. Father was an active alcoholic, Elizabeth was not.
And both came from a long lineage of alcoholics.
The oldest became addicted to alcohol and other
drugs very early. We, of course, knew nothing about this, and she
was well on her way to trouble before we had a clue. The second was
born with some messed up brain chemistry which caused her to be
diagnosed as a "RAD" kid (reactive attachment disorder). This is
something usually found in kids who have been abandoned or abused.
She suffered none of this but had all the symptoms nonetheless. And
the youngest, now 16, developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with
counting rituals and a voice in her head, which told her that she
had to do certain things first before she could do anything else.
She also had (has) a tendency to rage and last week she had another
of these meltdowns.
I know, you're going to say, "Well, all 16 year
olds have 'melt downs'." And, of course, this is true. I've been
through four of them to date and I know it's true. But this fifth
one. ah, this one is really getting to me. It may also be
that I'm growing tired of the drama.
Every now and then I meet someone who mentions
"empty nest" or "Oh, how fast they grow up" etc. These are people
whose children are long gone, and they mourn the passing of their
own lives more than the absence of children. I, we, are still in the
trenches, dealing with the day-to-day ditch digging of child
coping, never mind raising. Most of the fun has been
wrung out of it. In fact, I hate to admit it, but I have ceased to
remember when it was "fun".
I feel guilty about saying this but perhaps it
never was fun for me. But I meet enough ex-parents who say, "God!
I'm so happy those days are over." that I'm led to believe that it
becomes not much fun for many. Not for long anyway. Oh sure, babies
say the cutest things, and young kids are "precious", but then the
adolescents come on the scene and the descriptive adjectives change.
Words like "challenging", "`difficult", "defiant", "problematical",
come into daily usage. Being around people like this just isn't
"fun" no matter how much you love them.
The surest sign that you haven't any sense is to
pursue an argument with an irrational person. And I have this
tendency to want to promote insight to my out-of-control teen. right
in the middle of the chaos.
Which one gets the "Most Irrational" award here?
Still, I think I am beginning to "get it" that
timing really IS everything and the best thing I can do when she
begins her trip is to take one myself. That way, when she completes
the fire works display, I can plug in a (hopefully) helpful comment
as the smoke dissipates.
Obviously I'm still working on the "competency"
thing, though I have come to believe I'm a good person in spite of
shortcomings in the parenting department.
By the way, Elizabeth has started the two younger
kids on some over-the-counter amino-acid remedies she discovered in
"The Mood Cure". So far, there have been positive changes in both
kids.
Now to find a pill for me.
