Larry Pesavento is a member of the TMC Advisory Council, a therapist, an author and the Founder of CHRISTOS - A Center for Men located in Cincinnati, Ohio.

"In 1993 Larry Pesavento started CHRISTOS men's center to help initiate a dialogue about how a man in this confusing, elderless world can find a sense of identity, place and pride. He had been counseling men for close to 25 years and learned from their struggles as well as his own. He then decided to write a book about the internal journey that a man must take in order to find a sense of peace and generativity. He felt called to write this book to share what he had learned as part of his own journey and struggle with manhood.

For more info about Larry Pesavento, visit his web-site, http://www
.christoscenter
.com/
E-mail: Larpes@aol.com

MENSIGHT will publish a chapter each month and we would like for you to submit suggestions and discuss your opinions on our Men's Issues Forum.

Chapter 12 - Part 2
The Elderless Society

The New Elders

The new elders of our culture, our new priests, seem to be the priests of the mental health religion. These are the psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers and counselors who supposedly work with the inner life. When someone has a problem of the inner life, including disorders of the emotions or soul, they are usually told to see either a minister or a counselor. Increasingly, over the last 3 decades, counselors are chosen overwhelmingly over ministers.

In many ways, counselors (I will use that word to mean all workers in the mental health field) are genuine elders. They are elders if they see their work as helping an individual understand his inner life. They can be elders if they move beyond the simple behaviorism of helping a man adapt to his circumstances, if they can move beyond uncritically helping a man become a better player in the patriarchal game, if they move beyond helping a man become another patriarch.

The Greek word for soul is psyche. The word psychology means study of the psyche, in other words, study of the inner life, study of the soul. An elder counselor would be one who has studied and personally explored the inner life, and made it his life work. He or she is someone who has walked his talk. Luckily there are men and women of vital inner life and wisdom in the psychology field, wise because they have taken their inner life seriously. They are often Yoda-like in their work, neither advertising nor speaking to large audiences.

Many of these elders are also writers who use their writings to pass on their wisdom. They often make little money on their work but feel the calling anyway. Reading these men is one of the most important ways men of today can come in contact with elder energy. My bibliography lists many of these men and their works.

Some counselor elders are famous in the larger society. These are men like Scott Peck, Carl Jung, Robert Bly, Robert Johnson, John Bradshaw. The fame of these men may be signs that the elder archetype is now returning on a cultural level. However, it is only since the early 90's that these men have been seen as elders in the context of a men's movement. The reality of modern eldering is a new cultural ideal that is shared by relatively few men in this culture.

There are also many anonymous elders in our culture. They are not an obvious elder, like a minister or counselor. They have been around in every age, regardless of any formal recognition. These are men who seem to touch us at a deep level of awareness. It is important for us to be humble enough to listen to them and hang around them. If we are to be an elder society again, most eldering will need to be done by mature men in the village who will take a younger man under his wing. This is not mentoring, which is fathering a man by showing marketplace conventions. Eldering asks deeper questions of a young man and talks of aspirations beyond the marketplace. Instead of talking of the stock market, the elder talks of taking stock.

I envision a man as having had enough time to gain significant eldering energy when he has reached age 50. This is just a rule of thumb age, but one that seems to be catching on in the men's movement. In the Hindu religion, a man is a householder until age 50. Then he becomes a Vanaarprasthy, meaning a teacher in the forest. He moves from his house to live simply and alone. He is there, in the wilderness, for young men to find and to learn from. By this time he has enough wisdom to pass on. By this time, he is an elder.

There are now eldering initiations that some men's groups have been doing for years. For example, I have read about the Men's Wisdom Council in Detroit that has an annual initiation of elders. These are men over 50 whose task it is to bless younger men. In the Hindu religion this eldering time lasted from ages 50 to 75. There is no reason to think that this age span could not be the time of the elder in our society. When there are enough men willing to consciously assume this elder role, we will again be an elder society.

The Elder Within

When a man contacts an elder and receives eldering energy, the elder within inevitably gets triggered. This voice of the inner elder can come out in a number of ways. I talked about the elder archetype emerging, even untriggered, in the form of questioning the status quo and perceiving the flaws in the garment of society. The elder voice also comes up as a pang of conscience.

The outside elder often speaks words that make us uncomfortable. Yet we know he speaks the truth. Our conscience is bothered. And we know if we embrace that truth our perspective and our lives will change immensely. This voice of conscience is also the voice of the elder within. When the deeper conscience speaks, we are called to deeper change. The elder, like the conscience, tends to speak from a place that is unconcerned with common ideas of success or normal ways of behaving. He calls the adolescent to be unconcerned with peer approval. He has little patience with competition that leads only to dominance. The elder will call one to pursue deeper values, regardless of the probability of success. The elder voice will seem odd, though he cares not for odds.

Sometimes a man will start having dreams of an older man who seems contented, peaceful, and wise. This man will often be quite a paradoxical figure as well, something like a Yoda or a Mr. Miyagi,the janitor in the Karate Kid. He will often seem inconsequential in the dream. He will seem small. But his image will somehow persist in the following waking hours. It is important to give this image attention in our imagination. He will have things to say. His wisdom is for our good, our deepest good. He will often tell us things we already know to be true, but have been afraid, or too busy, to take seriously. He will tell us things that have to do with our initiation.

One valued elder that appeared in my dreams was quite unusual. He had some facial features of the pope. He was wearing the popeÕs white, steeple-like hat. However he was about 3 feet tall. He had a gnarly face with a huge underslung jaw. He wore plain, old clothes on a very stocky frame. He just stood there and chuckled, not walking or moving. He looked like a jolly old troll with a miter. He seemed to care little what I thought of him. He seems to care about what I thought.

I often talk to this man I call John Paul. I ask him questions when I am stuck, just like I speak to my young boy or my adolescent. I ask for perspective when I am down or confused. He often chuckles before he answers, like he is seeing a great cosmic joke that I am not aware of. His answer is usually earthy, often reminding me that I am taking myself and a situation much too seriously. He reminds me of more important values while keeping me humble. He often shows me how I am worrying about the wrong things. He seems to have the best of the pagan and Christian traditions inside of him. I get solace from him. He has helped me with this chapter.

Some psychologies call the inner elder a wisdom figure. Others call him the inner knower or the higher self. Popularly, there is the idea of intuition or gut feeling, a sense that seems to come from a place beyond ourselves. Religious traditions talk of angels bearing the message of the higher power. The ancient Greeks talked of the daimon, or guiding spirit, that each man possessed. Jung called his daimon Philemon. He talked of him often and even drew elaborate pictures of him. The ancient Romans called this spirit the genius. Native Americans saw this elder spirit in totem animals.

The elder within is often symbolized in fairy tales by a man similar to John Paul. He is the little old man, troll, elf, beggar, cripple, dog, snake that nobody takes seriously, nobody except the young hero who is out of other answers. The young man or woman, often adolescent, usually has little social power and standing, and even less resources. The insignificant elder will have the answer to unlock the riddle of the young hero's quest. As we will see, this elder has been waiting for a very long time for someone humble enough to listen.

I always encourage a man to start an imaginary dialogue with his inner elders. The dialogue with the elder is for the purpose of getting in touch with archetypal wisdom that is needed on the personal path. It is also for the purpose of getting motivation to take the next steps. I have worked with many men who have benefited from these internal talks. Finding this inner voice is a big step toward manhood.

It is important to know that the elder guides us to a sacred place but is not a god. The elder within is the archetypal knowledge that there is a greater wisdom than ours, a wisdom that we can partake in. This voice draws us to the place where we can confront the source of the wisdom. This voice draws us to the place of initiation.

The elder in us will have a voice that is countercultural. His voice may be opposed to the patriarchal voice. He pushes the adolescent toward the wilderness, exposing the limitations of the marketplace. He will always bring up a conflict in us. Often the true elders in our society come across to us as men of conscience. They seem to do what is right rather than what is acceptable. They disturb us, as they confront us with our inner voices. They are disturbing as they shake up our lives and awaken the elder within.

Eldering

A man who contacts the elder within starts to feel more confident and at peace. He also finds the need to share that feeling with others. This is another, very important way that we can all get the elder energy we need. Even before we are true elders we can share our emerging elder wisdom. As I say in the groups I do, the elder in each of us needs to be committed to the boy in each other.

There is a need for more and more places where this kind of brothering and eldering is consciously done. Groups like the Moose and the Elk and the other animals have tried to do this over the years, in a relatively unconscious way. These groups, plus groups like the YMCA and the Boy Scouts, started in the 19th century as a result of the father wound, a wound brought on by the Industrial Revolution. In England and America, these groups arose because young and old men needed to fill the void left by the abandonment of fathers and elders.

I believe these men gathered in clubs because of the archetypal need to be eldered, as well as the archetypal need to be with other initiates. These groups haven't moved past the need for fathering into conscious eldering. As Aaron Kipnis says, "Many of these organizations perform valuable philanthropic and social activities, and perhaps they were once also concerned with men's souls, But in their current forms they do not appear to have that focus." He talks of the need to found new lodges, where men consciously come together to support their male journeys and ultimately elder each other. One of the strongest messages of the men's movement, according to John Guarnaschelli, is the call for men to develop small support groups where men "may best discover their authentic selves through intimate connections with other men".

Aaron Kipnis, in his book Knights Without Armor, fully describes a group he has been in for years. He lets us inside the group and shares their mutual search for initiation. His group used the wisdom of the Greek myths, among other things, as eldering knowledge. Eventually each man eldered the other in his own important way. I know a number of men who come together regularly, like Aaron Kipnis' group, to talk, share, just be together and relate their journeys. Sometimes, one man meeting with another, talking of deeper thoughts and secrets, can be enough to bring the elder in.

Over 75% of all men's groups are voluntary meetings without a leader. What is talked about is often very important and serious. At other times there is just lighthearted camaraderie. However, looked upon from the eyes of an elder, something much more subtle is taking place. As closeness develops, each man becomes a brother to the other, like the initiatory brotherhood of old, encouraging each other to avoid the temptation to turn back from their initiatory journey. Each brother starts to feel stronger, more motivated, as the initiatory archetype is triggered.

This brotherhood also triggers the elder in each to awaken and come into their circle. The collective consciousness of seeking manhood provides the call for the elder to come. If this happens the men will start to see themselves and the world differently. The elder in one will start to teach and push the young adolescent in the other. The awareness of the importance of the process will increase. Men will start to ask different questions of each other. They will find themselves giving different answers. Men will elder and be eldered. The elder will start the process of personal initiation in each man's life.

There are also men's groups run by professional counselors or an elected leader. About 2O% of men's groups are this way. If the leader is an authentic elder, he will elder each member, while at the same time encouraging each man to start his initiatory work and awaken the elder inside. A leader needs to do very little in a mature men's group as there is plenty of elder energy coming from each member.

Being in a conscious men's group, whether professional or personal, is crucial to a man's growth. IÕm not talking about regularly going for a few beers after work. I'm talking about men getting together regularly to talk of the inner life and the personal search. This does not always have to be heavy and serious. This activity does need to respect the importance of each man's life and respect the importance of our roles as elders and brothers. I have known few men who have not found this time unexpectedly peaceful and fulfilling.

Facing The Bull

There is a Spanish proverb. "It is not the same to talk of bulls as to be in the bullring." The elder , one way or the other, pushes us into the ring. Reading this book can raise elder energy and consciousness. Being in a group brings one much closer to the ring. However, it is still just talk of bulls. (Hopefully, by now it doesn't sound like bullshit!) I now encourage you to move toward the ring by finding an elder and listening to the elder voice inside. I also encourage you to read on about entering the ring.

Larry Pesavento ©2005