Larry Pesavento is a member of the TMC Advisory Council, a therapist, an author and the Founder of CHRISTOS - A Center for Men located in Cincinnati, Ohio.

"In 1993 Larry Pesavento started CHRISTOS men's center to help initiate a dialogue about how a man in this confusing, elderless world can find a sense of identity, place and pride. He had been counseling men for close to 25 years and learned from their struggles as well as his own. He then decided to write a book about the internal journey that a man must take in order to find a sense of peace and generativity. He felt called to write this book to share what he had learned as part of his own journey and struggle with manhood.

For more info about Larry Pesavento, visit his web-site, http://www
.christoscenter
.com/
E-mail: Larpes@aol.com

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Chapter 13 - Part 2
Death

Turning the Tragedy

I have talked of the tragedies of separation that men experience. I have talked of these deaths. I have talked of these losses.

Some men's death is the involuntary separation from a mother object. They have just lost a wife or lover. Many are reliving a former separation that was so traumatic they want nothing to do with the wilderness again. They have had little if any fathering to prepare them for the ordeal. They feel like the very young 6 year-old, suddenly lost in a big, dark woods. Their rage is spent. They feel like crying

Other men's loss is in the marketplace. Some have been addicted to work and have lost a job or an important position. Their whole manhood depended on their work status and it has been involuntarily lost. They have used work much of their life to keep from experiencing their inner pain, They have been unconsciously separated from the father's world and thrown into a wilderness they knew nothing about. They are depressed.

Still other men have been a success and found that success has not gotten them what they thought they wanted. They are slowly losing a dream that has sustained them through their whole adult life. They are losing the adolescent fantasy that had sustained them through an unguided, unhappy adult adolescence. Theirs is a slow, insidious depression.

As Thomas Moore says, "images of death may permeate periods of depression. People of all ages sometimes say from their depression that life is over, that their hopes for the future have proved unfounded. They are disillusioned because the values and understandings which they have lived for years make no sense".

In fact, a depressive reaction is normal for a death. The healthy reaction to loss is grief. Separation naturally brings sadness. The loss of boyhood pleasures and dreams should bring mourning. A man is much more authentic by mourning than by raging or resigning. Terrence Real says we must learn as men to accept our depression and make it overt. Then we can deal with it without shame. So do all the modern elders who are familiar with the soul. Without depression a man is stuck on his road to manhood. By not accepting depression a man will not accept his loss. By not eccepting depression a man will not accept his initiatory death.

Depression in response to confusion is also normal. Carl Jung said that depression is the natural reaction to the ego confronting the unconscious . To the small ego the unconscious seems overwhelming. The ego wants a map of this wilderness when there isn't one. The ego wants guarantees when there isn't one. The boy wants a father when there isn't one. The adolescent wants to cling to the certainty of the persona when it will do him no good at all. The patriarchal voice yells "wimp" at the feeling of confusion and no answers.

The elder says paradoxically that this is the way and you're not supposed to know the way. Rumi, an elder and Sufi poet, said, "Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment". A friend of mine, Reverend Peter Monkres, has written of this wilderness of the soul. In speaking of the entrance to this wilderness he says, "It is important to note that there is nothing wrong or demeaning about one's fear in entering the inner realms. Rather than repressing our anxiety about inner journeying or denying it, should we not suggest plainly that since no traveler knows exactly what to expect, such feelings are natural?"

One of the great elders of our time is Robert Bly. Bly was one of the first men in our time to explain the need for men to go inside to do their men's work. He explained depression as really a form of grief. He talked of men's work as primarily grief work. He explained to modern men that grief is the conscious act of descent, a conscious going down. Bly said that men had to go down into their feelings to find themselves and grief was the doorway to their feelings. Bly pointed out that grief was also the doorway to the ordeal of initiation and the exit out of their lifelong numbness.

Bly's message, of the necessity of conscious grief and deep masculine initiation, spawned the men's movement. He reminded men that pain was necessary for growth. He talked in the story of Iron John of finding the wild man, our true masculine self, at the bottom of the pond of our soul, by draining the pond cup by cup. This draining was the slow, laborious inner work of the ordeal. Coincidentally, a drained pond forms a depression.

Dealing With Depression

What I try to do with a man who is depressed is tell him it is not unmanly to be depressed, to feel impotent, to feel defeated. I try to tell him that he needs to go into the depression and find his answers there. I tell him I can't and won't try to take away his pain. But I will stand by him in the pain and try to help him understand it. I appeal to the man's hardwired sense of mission. I explain to him his new initiatory mission and why it is so important. I try to awaken the latent warrior energy inside him.

The warrior part of the ego is no longer intimidated by the wilderness when he knows the new parameters of his mission. Men who learn the inner mission make remarkably fast progress. All they need is some king/elder energy to define their purpose. They then are able to move intrepidly into their inner wilderness.

I encourage a man to stand in his confusion while not impulsively acting to relieve it. I encourage him to stand his ground like a warrior in battle, guarding the turf of his ordeal. I ask him not to retreat under pressure or pain. I show him the direction: down, into his feelings, into his unconscious, into his soul. I tell him the journey is hopeful and necessary. I tell him it is normal, actually healthy, to feel sad and confused and wonder why things make no sense. I recommend elders to read and study. I talk of other men going through the same experience, of men's groups and friendship. I tell him the mission is absolutely necessary for himself, his family, his community.

I sometimes relate the story of how people in Malaysia catch rice monkeys, a delicacy for them. Malaysians know how these monkeys love rice. They also know how much these monkeys can decimate their rice fields. What they do to catch these monkeys is bore a small hole in a coconut just big enough for a monkey to get its hand inside. Then they half fill the coconut with rice and tie the coconut to a tree. The rice monkeys will find this coconut very quickly. They spy the rice and reach inside for a handful. Their problem is once they have a handful they cannot get their hand out. They are stuck. Nine times out of ten the villagers will find the monkey there, holding the rice, ready for capture. Rice monkeys cannot find the ability to let go of what they have, even though there is more food than they could possibly eat in the wild. We can be like these monkeys by not being willing to suffer the loss of something we have depended on that will lead us to our destruction.

Robert Johnson talks of men he counsels who are so depressed that they are suicidal. They are at the same place we are talking about, overwhelmed by the ordeal. He tells them that they do need to commit suicide, without harming their bodies. He then talks of the voluntary emotional death that we have been talking about. He relates advice of Meizumi Roshi, a Zen master in Los Angeles, who once said, "Why don't you die now and enjoy the rest of your life?"

There is another Zen saying that I try to remember: "Die while alive and be completely dead. Then do whatever you will, all is good."

Luke's Death

In the Star Wars myth, Obi Wan is the second father that shows Luke some of this mystery of death. In order for Luke to escape Darth Vader, Obi Wan returns to fight Vader. In the prelude to the fight, Obi Wan warns Vader that if he is killed he will come back more powerful than ever. Vader ignores this paradoxical statement. Obi Wan is then killed.

It seems Obi Wan lets himself be killed as soon as he knows Luke has escaped. Obi Wan shows Luke about death for a higher purpose. As a second father he shows Luke that he no longer needs to fear death. By showing Luke his death Obi Wan models the behavior that Luke will eventually follow to save his father's soul. In the meantime, Obi Wan returns to Luke after his death. He is now an elder through his death transformation. He returns as inspiration and insight, giving Luke the encouragement and wisdom he needs to overcome the forces of darkness. He repeatedly encourages Luke to trust the Force and his own calling. This is how Obi Wan becomes stronger. He becomes the elder voice in Luke, to help Luke face his own death.

Luke does not finish his training with Yoda but leaves to rescue his friends. In fact, Luke has failed Yoda's test in the underground cave where he meets Darth Vader. He hasn't yet learned from his depression. In the depression of the cave Luke attacks Darth Vader and cuts off his head. He has given in to hate and anger, unable to handle his depression. His rage is uncontrolled. He then sees himself in his father's helmet, the shadow self that could follow the Vader voice.

It is upon leaving that Luke hears from Obi Wan. Obi Wan tells Luke not to give in to hate. Hate, modern rage, is the doorway to the dark side. It is the anaesthetic that dulls the pain of depression.

Luke finds Han and Leia at the mining colony of Lando Calrizzian. There, Darth Vader is waiting for him. Again Luke attacks in an effort to save his friends and save the galaxy. Luke has grown significantly in the tools of the warrior and he has a good warrior's heart in his compassion for his friends and the community. However, he has still not completed his ordeal. he does not know how to handle the dark father voice.

Darth tries to be a second father to Luke. He tries to get Luke to follow his patriarchal program. He tells Luke he will complete his training. Darth tantalizes Luke with the temptation of joining him in overthrowing the Emperor and ruling together. This is the Greek myth revisited. Fathers in competition with sons. Sons overthrowing fathers. Men trying to be gods.

Darth then devastates Luke with the message that he is Luke's father. Darth follows by tempting Luke to power, while honoring his father. They can rule as father and son. Luke is terribly torn. He has a hardwired loyalty to his father, even though Darth is a dark father. I'm sure he also wondered how much like his father he really was. I'm sure Luke also questioned his motives, his values and his strength at this point. His confusion was overwhelming. Father loyalty is one of the strongest emotions any man will feel.

It is at this point that Darth cuts off Luke's right hand, when Luke resists his father voice. This cut is the symbol of LukeÕs father wound, as well as a show of dominance by the patriarch. Darth understood only power and was losing confidence in his ability to win Luke's loyalty. In the hands of an elder this ritual wound would be ultimately uplifting. In this context it is merely a show of hierarchy and control. The right hand was Luke's hand of dominance. Darth was showing who was boss.

Most of us would have given in at this point. Here was the promise of power, possibly for some good. Here was the saving of his friends. Here was reuniting with his flesh and blood in a way that honored and showed loyalty to a father he had always admired. Here was his dream, since his father could make him a Jedi warrior. Here were all the symbols of manhood that the patriarchy bestows.

To return to his father would mean giving in to the dark side. Luke had once failed this test in the cave on Degoba. Giving in was yielding to the patriarchy. It was being a realist. It was getting with the program. It was protecting his friends, being responsible to his new family. It was all the words that a man rationalizes to himself when he says you can't fight it.

Luke's only other choice was to go down, way down to certain death. The promontory he stood on was lonely, dangerous, and utterly desolate. To let go seemed certain death. Luke's only hope was the Force. There was no other tangible way of escape. He had to totally trust the Force, letting go of every security. There was no plan. There was no agenda. There was only overwhelming uncertainty and radical separation. Luke chooses death over the patriarchy. He lets go totally. He accepts the fall of depression.

Wilderness

When a man lets go of anger, faces his depression, stops causing pain, and lets go of his patriarchal script, he reaches the threshold of the ordeal. In Luke's case his elders have now done most of their job. They have brought him to the point of voluntary movement to the other side. He has entered his final ordeal. He has entered the wilderness.

Larry Pesavento ©2005