Chapter 7 - Part 2 -
The Vader Voice
The
Dark Father Outside
Many
competitive fathers call their sons losers by word or action,
magnifying the patriarchal voice. Actually, these fathers are the
true sons of the patriarchy. They have a need to feel like a winner,
at least in their own family. These fathers also have a need to
control their sons and keep them subservient to the father's will.
This voice, on top of the patriarchal voice, is doubly damaging to
men unfortunate enough to have a competitive father. As Kindlon and
Thompson point out, "a father's ultimate psychological weapon is
criticism, because most sons remain acutely sensitive to a father's
put-downs well into adulthood."
One man
I saw talked of being motivated to earn a big salary only to prove
that his father was wrong about him. His father had hired his son in
his business but hadn't paid him what the son deserved. For years
this man worked for a father who exploited his talents while giving
him little recognition. His father's message was that he was not
good enough, that he would never be as good as his father, and that
he needed his father to be a success. This son quit after many
years, and he became relatively successful in another business.
However, he didn't realize how he was still driven by his own
negative father's voice. He took it seriously enough to dedicate his
life to proving it wrong. He proved himself talented and very
competent. He objectively proved his father wrong, but still he was
not happy. The Vader voice, speaking with the voice of his own
father, was not silenced. He didn't realize that the father voice
inside would never be satisfied. He didn't realize that this voice
wasn't his own. Unfortunately, he continued to feel not good enough.
He continued to feel less than a man.
A
successful businessman has a boss who is patronizing and demeaning
much of the time. Less frequently the boss praises the man, telling
him he is indispensable. Though the man knows that he needs to leave
the position because of this uneven treatment he stays on for years.
He doesn't realize that he has transferred his desperate father need
to his boss. He doesn't realize that he lives for a father's
approval, even if it is erratic and often followed by criticism. He
doesn't realize that his competitive boss is acting like a
competitive father. Many of his coworkers do not understand this
man's passivity, nor does his wife. They don't realize, as he
doesn't, that his father voice, now the voice of his boss, tells him
he deserves such treatment as the price for a father's guidance. To
everyone else around he is a winner. However, his patriarchal voice,
magnified by the dark voice of his boss, doesn't allow this self
concept. He continues to feel like a loser who couldn't make it
without his boss. In some ways he unconsciously stays a loser so he
can still have a father.
A man
comes into counseling because of work stress. He is burnt out on a
job he doesn't like. He is good at his job and is well respected. He
makes a very good living for his family. Though he has the skills to
move to other work he doesn't take that risk. He is depressed and
starting to drink too much. His father worked for the same company
for 40 years. His father didn't especially like the work but the pay
was good and he supported his family. The son's patriarchal voice
told him to stay in one job for the good of the family. The Vader
voice said that risk was wrong if it was only for personal meaning.
His own traditional father supported this cultural message by
telling him that all jobs were for pay and not for "selfish"
enjoyment. The patriarchal voice, and his own father's, sapped his
hardwired motivation to find the answer to his burnout. Maybe his
father gave his son this advice for his own good. Or maybe his
father couldn't bear seeing his son making a success of his own
dreams of freedom.
Facing The Voice
If the
patriarchal voice is not sought out and dealt with, a man will be
emasculated by it. He will mistake this voice as the initiating
father who will introduce him to manhood. He will then be
unconsciously acting from values and attitudes that he doesn't
realize are affecting him so profoundly. He will be working from the
illusion that he is his own man. He will be like a computer with an
undetected virus inside. Or like a government with a mole deep
inside the bureaucracy, spying and causing havoc.
The
first thing a man must do when wrestling with father separation and
his own personal journey is recognize that all the voices in his
head are not his own. To a self-sufficient man this idea is
ludicrous and threatening. Yet a man must start to realize that the
consensus reality that everyone agrees to has shaped him,
involuntarily, in ways that rob him of his freedom. He must realize
his choices are contaminated and his freedom compromised. To realize
this takes humility.
Secondly, a man must realize that the patriarchal voice has no
interest in him becoming a mature man. The voice only has an
interest in a man being a good son. Like Freud's theory, the
patriarchy sees a man's maturity as residing in the patriarchy, no
farther. Manhood, according to the patriarchy, resides in the
marketplace, not the wilderness. And the son's job is to serve the
marketplace.
Thirdly, a man must realize there are other voices, outside the
patriarchy, that can give him wisdom about his masculinity. A man
must realize that he must take risks and go to unknown territory to
find these voices. In risking he must also face the pain of
suffering the loss of the guidance of a father's voice.
The
emerging men's movement as well as new psychological movements
support my belief that identity with the father is not the goal of
manhood. Even though many of the values espoused by the father
culture are good in themselves, they are not enough. The idea that
identification with the patriarchy is enough brings a man to the
unfulfilled crisis point that most men come to.
As in
the primitive initiation rites a man must separate from the father's
world of the marketplace on his road to manhood. The separation
moves a man from a state of unconscious obedience to a conscious
place of choice. The ordeal brings a man to the first truly free
choices in his life. He must leave the marketplace as a son to
return to the marketplace as a man.
One of
the most important parts of the work I do is to help men recognize
the patriarchal voice inside. This is easier said than done. For
most men the patriarchal voice and its unspoken marketplace
assumptions become an overriding source of direction in life. The
voice is their compass and counselor. It is also their prime
motivation. The voice becomes a refuge when all else is confusing or
threatening. Even when the voice is depreciating, when it is the
Vader voice, it is more comforting than the confusion of separation.
I have
worked with a number of men who started to question their
patriarchal voice and found themselves overwhelmed. One very earnest
man came into a session horrified. Without the patriarchal voice he
could think of no other voice inside to motivate him or give him
direction. Without the voice he felt he would fall part. The shock
of how much of his life was ruled by this negative, unconscious
voice was frightening to him.
Star
Wars
Luckily
there are also positive new lessons in our culture, and positive
voices to listen to, that speak to the steps that heal the father
wound and deal with the Vader voice. One of the great myths of our
times, and one that we have all grown up with, is the Star Wars
myth. This myth speaks to men struggling with the father wound and
the patriarchal voice. I will follow this myth throughout the rest
of this book, for it gives many clues to modern men's dilemmas.
Myths
and fairy tales carry the psychological and spiritual truths of a
culture. Joseph Campbell, our greatest mythologist, studied myth and
fairy tale all of his life. He saw them as containing lessons for
all of us in living a more human life. He felt that "in myth the
problems and solutions shown are directly valid for all mankind."
The Star Wars myth surprisingly contains some very strong and
healthy psychological truths about fathering, initiation, eldering,
and male growth.
George
Lucas knew Campbell and respected him. He actually used many of
Joseph Campbell's insights in writing the trilogy. In doing so he
has succeeded in building a modern myth based on ancient truths. One
of the ways that gives a clue to a myth is its start. As Michael
Meade points out, myths talk about another reality so they often
start out "once upon a time" or "in a time different from our time"
or "in a place unlike any other place". Myths talk about the other
side, the world inside, the inner reality. They talk about
psychological truths rather than the truths of the senses. They talk
of the world of the spirit rather than the world of matter. Brother
David Steindl-Rast says that myths are not real, they are realer
than real. The Star Wars myth starts "a long time ago in a galaxy
far, far away." Now we know we are talking about psychological and
spiritual truth. Now we know we're talking about another reality
outside our consensus reality.
In the
Star Wars myth, the initial protagonist is Luke Skywalker, a great
name for a hero who aspires to go beyond the village. He has no
father. He is being raised by well-meaning relatives who are both
uninitiated. His aunt and uncle continually try to convince him to
stay in their compound, where it is safe from the wars raging in the
galaxy. Well-meaning, uninitiated relatives will always be in the
grip of the unconscious feminine which protects from risk and pain
and keeps a man close to the hut.
Luke,
however, is in the grip of the initiation archetype. He longs for
the challenge of finding his identity by following his initiated
father's path, the path of the warrior. His father once modeled
positive masculine energy. He was not destructive with his power nor
grasping for status and success. A Jedi Warrior had a code of
protecting the weak and the altruistic community of the Jedi
culture. He was a warrior similar to a samurai. His father's
masculine energy was already taking Luke away from the safety of the
hearth, represented by the compound, and the wider village,
represented by the family business.
In the
Star Wars myth Darth Vader turns out to be Luke's father. The word
vader means father in German. The obvious play on words renders
Darth Vader the Dark Father. Here is the father wound on a cosmic
level. Luke's father has not only betrayed him, he has betrayed the
civilization that Luke grew up in and the Jedi code of ethics that
Luke yearns to follow. The father wound always feels like a
betrayal. It always hurts at the core of our manhood.
Darth
Vader tries to use his son's power to consolidate his own negative
ambitions. He is the competitive father who has no interest in his
son's individuality. The betrayal leaves Luke dazed and confused.
Darth Vader does feel love for his son which ultimately saves them
both. However at the time he has succumbed to the temptation to
power in the galactic marketplace. Vader has turned his back on the
Force, representing the other side, the place of true spirituality
and his own true identity. He in turn is controlled by the Dark
Emperor, the archetype of the dark patriarchy.
Darth
Vader tries to turn Luke from his path and have Luke serve Darth's
own power needs. Darth offers as a reward the power of this side,
power in the galactic village. Darth threatens Luke with death if he
will not turn. In other words, Darth will take away his support and
motivation. He will cause Luke to fall apart, to be a nonentity in
the life of the village.
Darth
also goes after Luke with a phallic sword and ultimately wounds him
by cutting off his right hand, the hand of power and patriarchal
productivity. Darth knows if Luke does find his own identity Luke
could take away his power and the power of the Empire. Darth knows
the threat of the son who is also an individual.
Luke
faces a terrible choice. He can be loyal to his father and join the
Empire. He can be loyal to his mother and go back to the compound.
Or he can risk death or humiliation by finding his own path as a
Jedi warrior. One's own path of individuation will most often be
seen as a betrayal by the wider society. It will be seen as a great
breach of loyalty. The son will necessarily experience a conflict of
loyalties. For most men the hardest accusation to endure is the one
of being disloyal. Yet a boy has to be "disloyal" if he is to mature
and find his own identity. Good old boys make lousy men.
To be a
man a boy must ultimately separate from the father and the
patriarchy. If he has good, initiated fathering his father will
encourage the separation and prepare him for the emergence of the
elder. If his father is absent and he relies on the patriarchy for
his fathering, the Vader voice will discourage any separation. If he
also has a competitive father, separation will be labeled betrayal.
A man will then be stuck.
Luke is
in great need of an elder who will lead him out of his loyalty
dilemma. He will need to distinguish a true elder from the dark
father who promises a pseudo-initiation. If he is lucky he will find
a second father who can start the healing of the father wound and
prepare him for the coming of the elder. Or he will have to face the
ordeal, surprised and in crisis.
Many
unprepared men are stuck in the world of the father, without an
elder, a crisis ready to happen. This is, I believe, the genesis of
the mid-life crisis. For many men the stuckness is in the world of
work, and the patriarchal voice talks only of work as initiation.
The next chapter talks of how men get stuck in the pseudo-initiation
of marketplace work as a way of trying to find manhood while staying
loyal to a father. This chapter deals with work as addiction.
Larry Pesavento ©2004
