Chapter 9 - Part 1
A Second Father
Sometimes the hope for good fathering seems hopeless. The
unconscious generational betrayal in our society continues to this
moment. Blind men seem to lead blind men. Blind fathers lead blind
sons. Where are the older men who can see? Is there only one roll of
the dice in the father game? Is there only one game? I believe not.
In a
sense, a man never stops looking for a good father. He is looking
for someone to reflect his maleness in a positive way. He is looking
for a champion, a guide, a wise coach, the manager in his corner,
the scout who can tell him what's around the next bend. We all need
someone to walk with us before we have to walk alone. We are not
hardwired to be men. We are hardwired to look for men to prepare us
for manhood.
A
Second Chance
As I
have mentioned, I believe the age of the father in modern society
extends until a man is in his mid-30's. These are the 'tweens',
between childhood and adulthood, that goes from adolescence through
the age 30 crisis. This is the time of the strongest father hunger.
Men try to fill that hunger in different ways in a society that is
ruled by the dark patriarchy. Most men fill the hunger by
identifying with the patriarchy and its values as the only
substitute for the missing father.
David Ray, an English professor, wrote an autobiographical article
in the New York Times called The Endless Search. He talked of the
fatherless boy who "is ever seeking his lost father or the
replacement who might stroll into his world." He continued, "Back in
the 40's I began my own list of potential fathers- and by father I
mean not bearer of seed but bestower of human kindness and
companionship, a man with some flicker of interest in a boy's
future. My father had seldom shown me that special attention before
he got a ride west, leaving my mother, my sister, and me without a
clue for many moons." He concludes that "By the time one reaches
senior citizenship, the list is staggeringly long." David ultimately
couldn't find a father any better than bartenders "who offered a
home as good as I'd ever had, and booze to numb the pain."
In
the traditional family fathers are usually exhausted by the time
sons become teen-agers. The patriarchal father role takes a great
deal out of a man without giving much back. In many ways the
patriarchy uses and abuses most men, including our own fathers. For
this reason Warren Farrell calls men the disposable sex. In the role
of protectors and providers men give their all in the marketplace
for their family. They often have nothing left for their sons, even
when they start to realize they neglected their sons to begin with.
In addition, fathers, who love their sons dearly, are at a loss as
to how to help their sons in other than traditional ways.
Yet,
how does a man, today, get the fathering he needs to go the next
steps. How does a son find the energy and motivation to leave the
world of the mother, where he is obsessed with either addiction or
finding the right woman. Must he be on an endless, disappointing
search?
There are alternatives to this dark situation. Men of any age have a
second chance. There are ways to absorb the positive fathering
energy we need from men who have something to give. There are men
out there who can give what we need. They can become, for a while,
our second fathers. They can take us farther down our path, where
our exhausted fathers could not. We can find the masculine energy we
need to strengthen us for the coming ordeal. For the ordeal comes,
bidden or unbidden. Second fathers know the ordeal. They have the
power to prepare us.
Mentor
The
key to understanding good fathering is the motivation of the father.
A good, initiated father will be focused on the growth of the young
son. As opposed to the competitive father, the good father will need
nothing from the son to make him a man. As we will see in the
characteristics of a mature men, a good father is interested in the
welfare of the next generation rather than his own welfare. He has
found his manhood. He is not looking helplessly for an unreachable
traditional manhood, to the detriment of his son. Neither is he
trying to find his manhood by vanquishing his son.
Finding a mentor is one way to get the right fathering. Mentoring is
a process of an older man taking a younger man in his protection and
interest, and teaching him the ropes. It is a term that is usually
used in the business world, especially for young executives. It is
also a term that is being used increasingly in the volunteer
movement when talking of older men helping poor urban youth. General
Colin Powell has come out strongly to lead American efforts in
helping fatherless young men get the fathering they need through
mentors. Mentoring is found whenever an older man takes an interest
in a younger man without dark, narcissistic motives. As Sam Osherson
says, "For many young men, mentors truly become the better fathers
they yearn for."
Daniel Levinson says that one of the main tasks of the novice adult,
age 17-33, is to find a mentor to guide him. The mentor fosters the
young man by Òbelieving in him, helping to discover the newly
emerging self in its newly discovered world.Ó According to Levinson,
the mentor is usually several years older, a person of greater
experience and seniority in the world the young man is entering.
Most often the mentoring relationship develops in a work setting,
but is not confined to the work area.
The
relationship is often intense. Levinson calls it a "love
relationship".
Even
if a man has had good enough fathering, the mentor can act as a
transitional figure from the world of parents to the world of adults
as peers. In this way he prepares a man for the coming of the elder
and the claiming of his full adulthood. The mentor is a mixture of
parent and peer. In a way he starts the separation from father. In
another way he completes the work of father.
Most
mentoring needs to come from men who have already accomplished their
goals. Mentors need to participate in the grandfather, or old man,
archetype. Traditionally grandfathers have retired from the world of
the marketplace. They are at another stage of life, closer to the
detachment that good fathering needs. They are closer to the other
side.
Archetypally, sons and grandfathers have a natural connection
because both are closer to the other side, the wilderness place
where spirit and death also reside. The son has newly emerged from
the land of death, through birth, and the grandfather is preparing
to go back, through death. This closeness to spirit and death really
symbolizes detachment from the everyday marketplace world, and the
temptations of the competitive father.
In a
sense we are all looking for a 'grand' father. A mentor can fill
that role. But first we have to be humble. I am thinking of an old
Zen story about a proud man coming to a monk for guidance. The monk
invited him in for tea. As the monk poured the tea into his guest's
teacup the tea overflowed the cup and still the monk continued to
pour. Finally the proud man asked why he continued to pour. The monk
stated that the proud man was like a full teacup. The monk could not
fill him with his wisdom before the man emptied himself of his own
righteous opinions.
If a
man will be open to a mentor he must look for a man who has the
qualities he wants to learn. Usually these are marketplace skills or
talents that serve a higher purpose. The primary link between a
mentor and a mentee is the love of the skills the student is trying
to learn. The love of these skills will be what draws the two
together in the first place. However, a good mentor teaches his
skills as a way of preparing a man to find his own unique direction.
It is usually a mentor or a good father who will notice and point
out the peculiar talents a man has. A good mentor will point a man
in the direction of his gifts and not necessarily toward where he
will achieve success in the world.
I am
reminded of the movie, The Karate Kid. Mr. Miyagi is drawn out of
compassion to the young boy who is fatherless and devoid of
marketplace skills. He has no ulterior motive other than the call of
generativity. The boy is drawn to Mr. Miyagi because he wants to
learn his considerable skills at martial arts. Later, he continues
to be drawn by his mentors sense of peace and quiet confidence. In
the process of learning these skills the boy learns to develop
confidence in his talents and in himself. The boy learns he is
capable of focusing on a worthy goal that involves his gifts. He
learns that he can respect himself. He does not learn his life
direction yet, that will come from his ordeal. But he has found the
confidence and learning base to face his initiation.
A
mentor is usually not a boss, for bosses too easily become
competitive fathers in our patriarchal society. Most bosses are
forced to use their subordinates for their own gain, mostly for the
security of their own job, because of the corporate culture they
live under. They have a hard time being interested in the well-being
of their 'sons'. They have a hard time finding pleasure in the
skills of someone who may surpass them. Sam Osherson talks of the
process of cannibalism, where one generation "may cannibalize
another by stealing its energy, its ideas, and often, literally,
what it produces." In seeking a mentor a man must not be naive about
cannibals, substitutes for competitive fathers.
Another disinterested man in a corporation can be a mentor. An older
man in the same field can be a mentor. Older men who have successful
marriages can be a mentor for purposes of learning about healthy
relationships.
There is an old Zen expression, "When the student is ready the
teacher will come." The problem with most men is that we are taught
to be competitive with other men so are not open to mentoring. We
are not open when a mentor appears. We are taught to be better than
other men, not to admit our weakness and ask for help. The modern
training manual assumes pride not humility. This manual assumes
control not submission. The dark patriarchy admits few mistakes, for
mistakes are a sign of weakness. We are not taught to be ready for a
good teacher. We are taught to be suspicious of an older man wishing
us good. Experience teaches that older men use younger men. We feel
unnaturally uncomfortable asking for help. I say unnatural because
it was the most natural thing in the world for thousands of years
for a man to look for a mentor.
Probably the most available mentors for the wider role of second
father are those in the helping professions such as counselors,
social workers, psychologists, pastoral counselors and spiritual
directors. Today, there is also a new field composed of business
coaches and consultants that try to move beyond just nuts and bolts
to fostering growth of personality and character. There are also
executive volunteer organizations, composed of retired successful
businessmen, who have something to give without needing status in
return. These mentors can help a man to find his gifts, negotiate
the web of corporate or institutional relationships of the
workplace, and prepare a man for the pain and wonder of his ordeal.
Jon
came into my office overwhelmed at his job at the IRS. He came from
a family with a much older, absent father and a depressed mother.
Jon was naive about life and embarrassed to admit it. He was having
a lot of trouble with his job. He was overwhelmed with the world of
the marketplace. He was very knowledgeable of the technical world of
tax law. Yet he found himself fuzzy in figuring out the tax
implications in the cases he had to review. He would sometimes
become paralyzed by the complexity of his cases even though he was
quite intelligent.
It
turns out Jon was overwhelmed by the idea of confronting older men
who had questionable IRS returns. He was unsure of his ability to be
right in the face of their denial. He found himself caught between
his confusing job and his fear of embarrassing himself in front of
father figures. Jon had little grasp of the work world, the
differing corporate cultures, and how to perform his job
confidently. Jon needed help from me in fathering him on the
realities of corporate culture. 'Culture' became the humorous code
word for the ropes he needed to learn. He needed permission from a
father figure to question the patriarchy of older men. He needed a
second father to recognize his talents and bolster his confidence.
In
my counseling practice I often find that I have to do second
fathering, first, in helping a man find a healthy way of being in
relationship or marriage. Men are invariably still in the midst of
separating from Mother when they come to counseling. This
separation, or lack of it, takes up so much of their emotional
energy that they have little to give toward finding their
marketplace journey. Often their confidence is being undermined by
an unsuccessful relationship. Second fathering helps a man to
balance his emotional life more toward his individual journey
leading to Ordeal. Good fathering reminds him that his manhood does
not reside in the direction of the feminine world.
Older men who are genuinely interested in the welfare of younger men
are out there. Invariably they have gone through their own ordeal
and have found their deeper values. They have separated from the
patriarchy and are no longer motivated to use younger men. They have
a lot to give even though they might not even realize it. Younger
men need to find the humility to look for them. Society needs to
create ways of making a mentor relationship a normal part of a man's
growth.
Pseudo-initiation
One
of the most important functions of a good father and mentor is to
protect and educate young men on the pseudo-initiations that occur
during this novice adult period. Most men in their 20's are so
hungry for fathers and the bridge to manhood that they jump into the
pseudo-rituals of manhood that our society has to offer.
Marriage is one such ritual. I have counseled so many men who have
married in their early 20's because that was expected. This ritual
allowed them to seemingly become a new man, even though the young
man felt no change inside. The hunger for manhood was strong.
Unfortunately marriage is not a rite of initiation. It does not
produce men. As we will see marriage in mature cultures was the
right of a man after initiation. A modern good father bears this
message.
Sam
Keen relates a story that illustrates this point, as well as the
power of a mentor. Sam had just gone through a divorce after a long
marriage. Another relationship with a young woman was also falling
apart. He was, at that point, also starting another love affair "to
heal the wounds of a failed romance." He was going through the Great
Separation with all the pain and confusion that entailed. He was
obviously being pulled back to another WOMAN, albeit a young one. He
was desperately in need of good fathering to bring him his next
steps.
He
was eventually brought low and forced to the humility needed for
openness to a mentor. As he wrote, "My life was coming apart at the
seams." His mentor was Howard Thurman, a college professor who was
"a friend for 25 years, a grandson of a slave, mystic, philosopher."
Howard gave him advice at that time that Sam felt was the best
advice he ever got. Howard talked of two questions a man must ask
himself. The first is "Where am I going?" The second is "Who will go
with me?Ó He then emphasized "If you ever get these questions in the
wrong order you are in trouble". Howard was a true second father.
Another pseudo-initiation that a good father and mentor needs to
warn about is the early temptation of a high paying job. When I was
in my 20's the goal was 30 by 30: a salary of $30,000 by age 30. By
the late 80's it was to have a salary that doubled your age. I've
lost track of what this pseudo-initiation has become today. The
money itself is not really the problem here. Money is amoral. The
problem is that this standard of manhood is the opposite of what
initiation is all about.
One
goal of initiation is to find a work that has inherent meaning and
satisfaction. The pseudo-initiation of a manhood standard of salary
minimizes any sense of meaning or identity. This high-priced act of
pseudo-manhood will never give a man the feeling of manhood from the
inside out. A good father will recognize gifts and talk of the
skills needed to survive in the marketplace. However, he will
already understand the false standards of success in the patriarchy.
He may have succumbed to them at one time himself and learned
better. He will emphasize the need for matching training to talent.
He will disprove the illusion that the paycheck will prove his
worth. Knowing the marketplace, the good father will also know that
for most men who have been initiated the money will follow in
abundance if they choose from their initiatory calling.
It
is easy to pick out men who are looking for manhood in their net
worth. In one way or another they will mention either how much they
make or how much they spend. These men are trying their best with
the fathering they have gotten. They are being fathered by the
patriarchy and their own patriarchal voice. They are victims of
pseudo-initiation and need the support of men who know another way.
Reparenting
There is another major way a man can get the good fathering he
needs. This way is close to the way Mack got some indirect,
unconscious fathering. Remember, Mack unknowingly tried to get a
father by being a father. By this alternative way a man more
consciously gives the boy inside the fathering he needs. This way
has been championed effectively by John Bradshaw. It is called inner
child work. Much of this is outlined in Bradshaw's book,
Homecoming.
This
work involves dealing directly with the boy inside. It is possible
be a good father to ourselves by a process that Bradshaw calls
reparenting. We can consciously get good fathering by being a good
father. This work takes as much effort as parenting a biological
child. The boy inside needs as much attention and education as any
child. The work involves taking a step that seems 'crazy'.
Remember when I talked of the voices inside our head and the self
talk that goes on so normally. Well, the boy inside has a voice,
too, that has been speaking for a long time. This voice tells us his
needs and desires, as well as his fears and insecurities. Most of us
do not hear or recognize the voice because we weren't taught there
was a voice, or a boy. Yet the boy is there and he is us. And the
boy is suffering from a father wound. He actually carries the pain
of our father wound.
I
have worked with many men who have actually heard a voice inside
their head after learning of the boy inside. Sometimes the voice is
a yell, sometimes a whisper. Some men have heard a voice or seen a
young boy in their dreams. Most men have not heard the boy this
directly but have contacted him through other pathways.
When
I start working with a man in counseling I immediately start working
on understanding and setting boundaries. If a man can start setting
boundaries I know he is prepared to start his initiatory journey. He
has enough strength to start separating from the mother object. I
know he is then ready for second fathering. My next step invariably
is to help the man get in touch with the boy inside. This boy needs
to be fathered through several stages before the man is ready for
ordeal. Reparenting is a crucial way to get that fathering.
I
encourage men to contact their boy inside by starting a dialogue. In
this dialogue there are two speakers. One speaker is the man as
adult and concerned father. The other speaker is the boy. The
dialogue should be written at first. Like a play, one line will be
the father, the other will be the son. I ask the man to start by
imagining what the boy wants to say, what he wants, what he feels,
what he needs. Then write down those imagined words. Then the man,
as father, tries to answer this boys needs or feelings as he would
his own son.
This
dialogue always feels very artificial at first. The boy's voice, as
it is written, feels made up rather than natural. However, the
dialogue becomes very real quite soon because the boy inside does
come out. I didn't create him for purposes of this book. He's there.
HeÕs real. He's hardwired inside. He's an archetype, the puer
aeternas, the boy inside we have been talking about all along.
He carries our life experience as a child and bears our childhood
wounds. He's the part of ourselves that will always be a child. He's
the part that takes over, at times, in inapproriated situations.
He's the part that gets addicted, dependent, rageful beacuse of his
hurt. He needed an understanding father back then. And he still
needs us today.
John
Bradshaw encourages letter writing to open the dialogue. He
instructs the man or woman to write a letter to the wounded child
who is the age they are working on. The letter should tell the child
all the things a child needs to hear but often doesn't.
The
movie Back To The Future gives some idea of the kind of
psychological parenting that needs to go on in reparenting. The
movie starts out in normal time but quickly moves to a different
time. Again, this is the sign of mythic or psychological time, the
time of the other side. This is the seemingly 'crazy' time of the
inner child, the world of the inner life.
In
the movie the young son of an inept, absent father goes back in time
to the adolescence of his own father. Here he contacts his father as
the adolescent he was. The only difference here from reparenting is
that the son reparents the father's inner child. Otherwise the
similarity gives a strong flavor of the process and goals of
reparenting.
The
young, adolescent father in the past, called George McFly, is
clueless. He has few social skills, no hint of how to set boundaries
with other boys or girls, no recognition of his talents, only his
fantasies to console him. McFly has only Biff, the town bully, to
get any fathering from. And Biff is an abusive, competitive father
who uses McFly for his own purposes.
Along comes the son, Marty, from another time in the future. In
order for Marty to have a happy life and actually survive he needs
to change his father. Marty has heard regularly that no McFly has
amounted to anything. He has been called a slacker "just like his
father." By expereincing his father's adolescence Marty starts to
understand his father better, in turn understanding his own life.
His understanding brings compassion for his young father, his
father's inner child.
So
Marty actually goes about mentoring his father as adolescent,
especially in the area of relationship and boundary setting. He
teaches, encourages, respects. Eventually McFly gets enough
confidence to set boundaries with Biff in a very forceful way, as he
goes after the woman he loves. McFly also starts respecting his own
talents and dreams as a science fiction writer due to Marty's
recognition and encouragement. McFly's second father, Marty, has
given him confidence and self-esteem.
Back
to the present, the father is shown to be a happy, confident,
successful man because of the intervention with this inner child. He
is a sucessful science fiction writer. He has the respect and love
of his wife. This is the goal of all inner child work. All inner
children, like the movie, are still living in the past and are stuck
there. Reparenting allows us to go back to that time and heal that
child. The results have instant reverberations in the present. As
the liberated George McFly says, "If you put your mind to it, you
can accomplish anything."
This
movie grabs one psychologically because of the implications of
second chances, healing of past wounds, and finally getting the
fathering needed. I have talked to so many men who say that it's no
use worrying about the past, forget it , move on. Their problem is
that they have not been taught the inner life. They are stuck in the
very place they want to forget. They are stuck in the unconscious
world of the Mother. They are listening to the Vader Voice. As the
movies shows, it's never too late to change the future, or the past.
Second fathers bear that message.
Larry Pesavento ©2005
