Larry Pesavento is a member of the TMC Advisory Council, a therapist, an author and the Founder of CHRISTOS - A Center for Men located in Cincinnati, Ohio.

"In 1993 Larry Pesavento started CHRISTOS men's center to help initiate a dialogue about how a man in this confusing, elderless world can find a sense of identity, place and pride. He had been counseling men for close to 25 years and learned from their struggles as well as his own. He then decided to write a book about the internal journey that a man must take in order to find a sense of peace and generativity. He felt called to write this book to share what he had learned as part of his own journey and struggle with manhood.

For more info about Larry Pesavento, visit his web-site, http://www
.christoscenter
.com/
E-mail: Larpes@aol.com

MENSIGHT will publish a chapter each month and we would like for you to submit suggestions and discuss your opinions on our Men's Issues Forum.

EPILOGUE

Manhood demands a journey. Manhood demands a test, not testosterone. Manhood does not come automatically, growing as the body grows. This journey of manhood is perilous and painful. The outcome cannot be planned or controlled, and is shrouded in paradox. The journey must be done with a man's eyes open, consciously and continually choosing a path that leads away from the familiar and the secure.

The journey is a psychospiritual one that demands modern man's attention. Society's and the world's survival depends on men consciously taking up this mission toward inner wisdom and purpose. Men who do not take the journey are dangerous men. Burned out men are dangerous men.

The journey of manhood begins when a man starts to hear the voice of wisdom within, the elder voice, and chooses to listen. Most men do not listen because they are not taught to expect that voice to speak. Elders without can trigger the elder voice within, or prepare a man to hear. Most men do not listen because their olders are not elders. Instead of elders without, men are without elders.

Men are taught to listen to patriarchs who have a message opposed to elders. Patriarchs substitute outer power for inner strength. Without the strength and wisdom of the elder, a man is left to the unconscious forces of the village, thinking he is on the right path to manhood, thinking he is on the right mission.

I once had a wonderful theology professor, Fr. John Donne, who said that a man spends the first half of his life struggling with the mystery of sex, and the last half struggling with the mystery of death. Men in this culture often get stuck in the misery of sex, instead of its mystery. They never learn to struggle with the mystery of death, which is the mystery of initiation.

The wonderful mystery of sex starts when an infant is given the awesome comfort and unceasing attention of a mother in full identification with the mother archetype. The mystery of sex is the mystery of the life force freely given to another. The initiated mother gives a man a deep sense of hope and an abiding faith in the goodness of his own life force.

The misery comes from the regressed attachment to a dark sexual mother who is glad to keep a man unconscious and close and infantile. She binds instead of frees. She leads a man to mistake her for his own life force. She gives momentary euphoria, followed by another experience of the emptiness of his soul, the emptiness of his manhood.

The dark mother comes in the form of addiction, which most often includes a sexual addiction. She seduces, cajoles, threatens, promises. She is anything from a beautiful breast to a beautiful bottle. She most often shows up in other women who seem to hold the answer to happiness. Women can become the unwitting victim of her spells, holding a man back from his destiny. But women are not the problem. The problem lies within. The dark mother resides within.

The dark mother will do anything to keep a man from listening to his elder voices. She will do anything to keep a man from exploring the mystery of death through his own initiation. She will do anything to keep him from becoming conscious, anything to keep him from leaving.

The journey to manhood starts with struggle. Just as an infant must struggle to leave his mother's womb, and breathe his own oxygen, a boy must struggle to cut his psychological umbilical cord. Separation from the dark mother complex, not to be confused with a man's birth mother, is always a struggle. This is a boy's first important mission.

Separating from the dark mother brings a man face to face with the father and the marketplace world of men. The boy growing into adolescence has a lot to learn here. Here he develops his warrior energy. Here he learns how to take care of himself and others according to marketplace standards. A good father helps a boy separate from mother and eventually hands him over to elders. In the interim he models the promise of manhood. He gives a boy motivation to face the terror of initiation.

If he listens to his elder voice, a boy will have to eventually separate from father. This is how his struggle continues. Unfortunately, we live in a culture of unconscious, dark fathers who know little of the other side, who don't know elders. The highest good for these fathers is the marketplace. To them the marketplace brings happiness and manhood. A culture that does not know the other side makes the marketplace its cathedral. Its religion becomes consumerism. Patriarchs are its priests.

Patriarchs know nothing of elders, know nothing of initiation. They refuse to give up their sons. Their goal is to keep boys acolytes, serving a stunted culture. A few acolytes are eventually allowed to become priests. Most men are used and used up, and then promised a heaven called retirement.

Men are kept ignorant of initiation, ignorant of the psychospiritual journey, ignorant of their true mission. The culture, whether consciously or unconsciously, points them toward another mission. Because men are instinctive warriors, instinctively loyal, the patriarchs use these strengths for their own mission.

Patriarchs have no respect for elders. Patriarchs instinctively see elders as a threat. Yet elders exist. Elders carry on, like Yoda, in nondescript places with little recognition. They have little of the trappings of cultural manhood. They have not played the patriarchal game so have few patriarchal toys. Like Yoda, they live in the backwaters of the culture.

It is important that a man who starts to listen to the elder voice within find an outside elder. Unfortunately, it is rare to find an elder in one man. Since this is not an elder culture, most men have to piece together an elder from many sources. Each eldering experience can form a message and motivation that brings a man to the heart of his ordeal.

An elder has been there, has been through his own ordeal. An elder helps a man recognize his own incipient initiation, and its confusing yet transformative power. The father motivates a boy to find an elder. An elder motivates a man to face initiation.

Within initiation, the elder helps a man learn how to receive and transform pain, rather than pass it on. He helps a man face pain and use it for a higher purpose. The elder supports a man in facing all the losses that manhood demands, symbolized by the experience of death. The elder helps a man stay within his initiatory confusion without shame. The elder creates a context where a man can find his own calling and his deepest identity. The elder helps a man find peace.

This book talks at length about the journey. It speaks about some qualities of manhood, but little about the specifics of the goal. This is done consciously. Acting as an elder, my goal is to motivate any man who reads this book to start or continue this journey of inner space, this initiation in the wilderness of his own soul. I would not be an elder if I had an outcome, a template of manhood, that I espoused. Each man must find his own manhood. That is why a man humbly submits to ordeal alone.

Elders can help a man interpret his experiences of initiation. He can help a man fine tune the lessons learned and the direction found. He cannot give a shake and bake definition of manhood or a generic direction of a man's life. A man's psychospiritual direction is sacred and unique. His calling is radically personal.

I have written this book acting as an elder. I have mentioned in this book many elders that I respect. I have talked about some of the characteristics of an elder, what to look for. I have alerted you to your inner elder voice.

There is a Zen saying that goes "when the student is ready, the teacher will come". If you have read this far, you are ready. You are already on the journey. Be ready for new elders. Contact me if you need help with this (see Eldering). Be grateful for the elders you have already met. And never forget to listen very carefully to that insistent elder voice within. He will unerringly lead you to the source of your calling.

If you have already found your work through initiatory struggle, remember that you are also called to elder younger men and the next generations. We all are called to reconnect this circle of men from generation to generation. We are all called to make this an elder culture.

Larry Pesavento ©2005

Eldering

I believe that every man needs eldering energy on his psychospiritual path. Eldering energy can come in a variety of forms. My book is an attempt to uncover elder energy for those in this culture ready to explore the initiatory call. I write of the purpose of elders, their message, and about what other elders have said. I have also provided an extensive bibliography of those authors that I feel have an elder message. Now, after writing my book, I feel called to help men find this energy more directly and personally.

I first want to help interested men connect with those who possess eldering wisdom. Our culture has no norms about who is an elder. There is no license, or other form of cultural approval. However, I believe that I can help men connect with those who have some wisdom to give. I do believe that most men who are taking their path seriously and consciously have enough contact with the elder within to be able to recognize elder men who have wisdom they need. This is similar to the Zen saying that when the student is ready the teacher will come. I merely want to send interested men in the direction of possible elders. I can than consult with men on this search. E-mail me if you are interested.

I am also willing to share my eldering energy with any man who feels called to communicate with me directly. I would be an elder counselor with a license as a counselor, and a willingness as an elder. I do phone counseling. Those interested can e-mail me first to set up a phone appointment. The first consultation is a way to feel if there is a connection, and is free. The elder connection is very personal and synchronous, so this process takes discernment. If there is an emerging connection, I can offer ongoing elder counseling for a fee based on a sliding scale, which I provide on request.

Write me if you have questions or want to know more about the process. I will get back to you. In any case, I wish you wisdom and peace on your journey.  E-Mail Larry Pesavento

Larry Pesavento ©2005