The Runaway Bride
by
Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.
© 2005
When a bride has to run away from
home in order to remove herself from the fearful concerns and stress
brought on by her impending wedding, perhaps it's time we rethink
the pressures of modern day wedding fever.
Four days before her wedding day
bride Jennifer Wilbanks started out jogging, but then continued her
run on the pubic bus system, ending up 1,420 miles from home.
According to press accounts she claimed that she suffered intense
pressure about the 600-guest gala event and needed time alone.
Her time alone resulted in a media
blitz that reported she might have been kidnaped or perhaps even
murdered by her fiancé. But, far from the public spotlight, what
Jennifer really needed was help preparing herself emotionally for
her impending marriage and approaching her wedding from a mature
perspective.
Rather than designing a wedding that
would focus on the love and commitment between her husband-to-be
John Mason and herself, she succumbed to believing that a
large-scale theatrical production was what was important. Featuring
twenty-eight wedding attendants -- fourteen bridesmaids and fourteen
groomsmen -- her wedding drove Jennifer over the brink, as it has
for many brides. Though usually we never learn about it in such a
public and dramatic fashion.
Being upset, fearful, and having cold
feet isn't part of the idealized perfection promoted by wedding
fever. Sadly, Jennifer could not find it in herself to share her
concerns with anyone, most particularly her fiancé. Yet many brides
and grooms aren't prepared to address the very real and troublesome
feelings that arise as they approach the big day.
Because Jennifer and John were
already living together, we would hope that they could have been far
more open and trusting with each other than it appears. If so,
Jennifer would not have had to suffer in a self-imposed
silence,struggling with her anguish, isolated from the man she
claimed to love and who claimed to love her. We say "claimed"
because the dramatic loneliness that Jenniferexhibited is the
antithesis of real love and emotional intimacy. The basis for
companionship, happiness, and success in marriage had already been
violated by Jennifer's inability to share her troubles with John.
Part of their problem, as we said,
may be the result of perfection-driven fantasy expectations that
surround the modern wedding. Our forthcoming book,The Smart Couple's
Guide for the Wedding of Your Dreams: Planning Together for Less
Stress and More Joy
(New World Library November 2005) is dedicated to helping the
wedding couple discover the true meaning of their unique wedding. It
is essential that they be grounded in reality, establishing the
cooperativepower-sharing that will become the basis for the kind of
marriage they want.
Instead of this rightful focus on the
bride and groom's relationship, for too long weddings have been
burdened by the perceived need to impress and entertain the guests
-- as if the guests were the important stars of the show. For too
long the bride has carried the burden of planning and preparation
without the supportive partnership of the groom. That must change. A
wedding should never be a time for the bride and groom to feel
separated from each other. And a wedding should never be a Las Vegas
theatrical at the expense of the meaning to which two people have
committed.
Weddings can only support the couple
and the marriage they are creating when the ceremony, and the vows,
are the central event of the day.
Perhaps Jennifer Wilbanks will have
helped turn around this faulty and mis-guided notion that a good
wedding is a big wedding, a fancy-shmancy wedding, a day to keep
tongues wagging for months.
When weddings are expected to express
and hold the faith and trust of the bride and groom, when guests are
expected to bear witness to the sacred pact that is the heart of the
ritual, then we, as a society, will have begun to support marriages
right from their beginning moments.
In the mean time, we hope that
Jennifer and John will seek out a good marriage counselor and learn
how to communicate and share themselves with intimate care and
trust.
Copyright 2005
Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James
Sniechowski, Ph.D., all rights reserved
Husband and wife Judith Sherven,
Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D. are the best-selling authors of
Be Loved for Who You Really Are,
The New Intimacy, and Opening to Love 365 Days a Year. They
teach a variety of relationship workshops and teleseminars as well
as consult to businesses. Visit their website at
www.themagicofdifferences.com
Contact them at
jimjude@direcway.com.
For more information please go to:
http://www.thenewintimacy.com
