The Romance in your Differences
by
Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.
© 2006
The
season of high romance is here! Yet Valentine's Day can turn into
the most dangerous day of the year for love and romance.
Because none of us receive formal training or preparation for how to
date effectively or how to create a passionate long-lasting
marriage, the full burden of our desire for an intense, satisfying
love and passionate, swept away romance tends to fall on Valentine's
Day, with Cupid, The Florist, and The Candy Maker trying to fill the
bill. However, when fantasies of perfect romance, perfect gifts,
perfect love-making collide with not-so-perfect reality, love loses
out to broken dreams and broken hearts.
You can easily take the danger out of Valentine's Day. All it takes
is a change in consciousness--the realization that your date, your
partner, your spouse is not you. You are two different, miraculously
unique individuals who will see and do things differently. But as
obvious as this may appear, this simple fact is not commonly
understood or appreciated.
Several years ago, on Valentine's Day, Judith was at the counter of
a homeopathic pharmacy when a florist delivered two dozen red roses
to one of the female clerks. The flowers were beautiful. The clerk's
face was not, as she barely contained her displeasure. Another
customer commented that she didn't seem happy with the flowers. Her
response? "Oh, they're from my husband. He does the same thing every
year. It's boring."
The young woman was not only disappointed, she was also ruining her
marriage. Why? Because she assumed that her husband should know
exactly what she liked and what she wanted without ever having to
tell him. From her point of view, he should be just like her--then
he would know exactly how to please her. She wouldn't have to say a
word and he would automatically know not to send the same flowers
each year even though she had oohed and aahed over his roses
their first Valentine's Day together.
You may be thinking "But that would spoil the romance." Yet what
romance exists in this example that could be ruined? Rather it is
her silence, her presumption that she does not have to recognize her
husband across the distance of their differences that is the
fundamental obstacle to the true romance she wants.
Typically differences are blamed for relationship failure. But in
reality they are the only true way to experience deep intimacy and
real romance. The fact is, it's the way you treat the differences
that either makes or breaks your relationships!
So should you receive something this Valentine's Day that you don't
like, treat the love expressed by the gift with respect. Then speak
up graciously and explain what it is that is not to your taste. If
the item can be returned, by all means take it back. And do it
together. That way you can enjoy the intimacy of each other's
presence during the vulnerability of this transaction. Your
invitation makes it clear how much you appreciate the loving thought
of the gift. At the same time you will be expressing your desire to
be known
and loved for who you really are. And wouldn't that be a Valentine's
gift worth giving and receiving?
We know a couple who live near Denver. The day after Valentine's Day
two years ago she was headed up high into the mountains for a
conference. The snow was particularly thick and the roads were
dangerous. Although she was a seasoned driver, he decided to buy her
four new snow tires as his Valentine's gift. Rather than embrace his
care for her well being, she voiced the typical complaint that he
wasn't very romantic. Yet how more romantic could he be than to take
action to assure her safety and well being, to make sure that the
woman of his heart will return to him safe and sound?
The problem is that, even though there have been significant changes
in the way men and women relate to one another, Valentine's Day is
still considered a day when predominantly men give gifts to women.
This is changing and we completely support that change. But society
must also evolve a new understanding of romance to broaden its
meaning and allow for a full range of romantic, loving expression,
making this day an equal opportunity for men and women to experience
the tenderness of both giving and receiving.
To help do this, the unconscious narcissism in the two examples
above can be avoided if you follow two of love's simple secrets.
First, receive the love that comes to you even if it is in a
different form than you expected. Remember, Valentine's Day is a day
of love, and love comes in many packages and wrappings.
Second, should you be disappointed, keep in mind that the other
person is not you. Open yourself by using simple curiosity to find
out the other side of the story.
What did the clerk's husband believe was important about having red
roses delivered to her at work every year?
What were the thoughts and feelings of the man in Denver when he
chose tires as an expression of romance?
And if you are the one whose gift is a disappointment, open your
curiosity to find out why. Sincerely wanting to better know your
partner is a gift that builds a loving bridge across the
differences, a distance that when ignored continues to grow to the
point that it can and very often does destroy any love that was once
there. With the heartfelt gift of curiosity, new understanding and
deeper intimacy are born from the fertile soil of the clash of two
people's differences.
Curiosity and Receiving--the most powerful aphrodisiacs for
Valentine's Day (and all through the year)!
When you open your heart to receive what is actually given to you
then you stay in reality, not smitten with a fantasy that the other
person can never live up to. Yes, from time to time we will all be
disappointed, but that always provides an opening to gain deeper
awareness, to learning more about the depth and honesty of your own
love and about who your partner really is. Then you can teach one
another more about how you would like to celebrate Valentine's Day
and other special times in the future. You are active in the
creation of your special romance, not a victim of your secret
expectations.
This year make sure you are available for the love you want. Be
generous in your giving, and, more importantly, stay open to be
loved in ways you've never considered. Remember, it's only through
the magic of your differences that you can both be loved for who you
really are.
Bestselling authors of four
relationship books, Judith Sherven, PhD and James Sniechowski, PhD
have redefined the future of weddings. From now on brides AND grooms
will be co-partners every step along the way. Be sure to read your
complimentary 2-chapter excerpt from their new book, "The Smart
Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams." Just go to http://www.smartweddingcouples.com
Enjoy relationship information at
www.themagicofdifferences.com.
For more information about Judith & Jim go to
www.thenewintimacy.com
To book Judith & Jim for a media appearance, corporate training, or
private
coaching contact them at
jimjude@direcway.com
