Intimacy at First Sight
by
Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.
© 2006
No doubt, you've heard it said that
love can happen in an instant. You see a stranger across a crowded
room and, whammo, your heart flutters, temperature rises, your
stomach is suddenly popping and fizzing, and what feels like destiny
is taking you for a ride. You hadn't planned for it, hadn't even
expected it, but there it is. Love at first sight. Wow!
The truth is that some relationships
which begin in that swept-away surge last a lifetime. And in some of
those, two people remain enchanted with each other, lovers and
friends to the end. But it's also true that many, if not most, of
those hot, hot, hot beginnings fade, often quickly, into
disappointment, leaving behind a trail of mistrust and bitterness.
What is it that keeps a relationship
alive over the long term?
Historically, it was not expected
that the purpose of a relationship and especially a marriage was the
emotional and spiritual closeness of two people, as it is today.
Rather, marriage was more like a business contract. She had her
duties. He had his. If they performed well their marriage was
considered a success. If they loved, let alone liked each other,
well that was a wonderful side benefit.
But times have changed. Now, new
assumptions have become part of how our culture defines what
romantic love is supposed to provide. We call is a new intimacy and
it's established on the basis that:
This vision of romantic love is very
different from what has come before, requiring a different vision of
what is needed to succeed. So understanding the role of emotional
intimacy--what is really a new intimacy--has now become essential.
Intimacy requires that you let
yourself be known. But that's not all. You must also want to know
your partner. Otherwise the circle is not complete. There must be
two of you, each open and paying attention to yourselves and each
other. You might think this means that trust has to come first. But
that's exactly backwards.
Trust in a relationship means a sense
of emotional safety. That cannot come to be without your being
willing to be present and emotionally available. Does that involve
risk? Of course. But if you want love to take you into its depth,
you must face into the risk of sometimes being exposed. And, as your
lover continues to love you, not in spite of but including those
parts of you that you might not be sure are lovable, then trust
emerges--because it can.
There is no such thing as intimacy at
first sight. Becoming truly intimate involves emotional generosity
and grows over time. The more you show yourself the more you make
yourself available to be loved. In other words, you must bring
yourself to the relationship.
Many men hope and wait to be
discovered and spend years alone and lonely--even if they are in a
marriage--wondering when things are supposed to "get good." And in
all fairness, much of what is circulated as romantic truth
encourages the hope of being rescued by love. So why wouldn't you
wait to be spotted by that perfect person whose love will make
everything right? Unfortunately, that approach means that you have
to remain passive.
Aroused by simple curiosity, real
intimacy is active, prompting you to extend yourself beyond what you
already know, urging you to uncover more about yourself and your
lover. If not, if your relationship has become worn and predictable,
intimacy has been reduced to physical proximity. Have you ever known
a couple who has lost interest in each other? They live under the
same roof, but they're even less close than roommates.
Keep romance alive and exciting by
staying open to new and always unfolding intimacy. Real intimacy.
Remember that intimacy is lively and
adventuresome, always open to new possibilities. It is a creative,
imaginative experience. Not an escape from life but a plunge into
it. Not a game of hide and seek. But rather a lifelong adventure
into being known for who you really are and being loved for exactly
that.
Best-selling authors and husband and
wife of 18 years, Judith & Jim's most recent books are Be Loved for
Who You Really Are and The Smart Couple's Guide to the Wedding of
Your Dreams. Claim your complimentary audio download of "The Promise
of Conflict" at:
http://www.themagicofdifferences.com/conflict.
