Don't Hide from Your Conflicts
by
Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.
© 2006
The first blush of love is
intoxicating. Every touch, every kiss, every thought of one another
is enough to quicken your heart and thrill your spirit. You are
perfect for one another. Or so it seems at the beginning.
Then things change. Differences show
up. Instead of two-who-have-become-as-one, you feel separate and
you're not sure
the other one is somebody you even like anymore. Your relationship
has entered into the clash of differences.
Why does that happen? Because love
changes. It cannot stay static. The future of what you will have
together will grow out of the deeper love that awaits you in the
magic of your differences.
True love insists that you move
beyond the easy connection of the early days of your relationship
and allow your differences to make themselves known. You cannot help
but reveal more of your complexity, your limitations, quirks,
excellence, and most important, your troublesome self-centeredness.
Love is no longer just ecstatic. It demands that you reveal
yourself, your whole self. Otherwise, how can you ever know that you
are truly loved, . .loved for who you are?
Unfortunately, most couples do not
understand that the clash of differences is not only inevitable, but
it is also necessary. It is that time when love asks, "Are you
serious about your relationship? Are you willing to go where I will
take you? Do you want a full and awesome love, a love that takes
root deep inside both of you? Or do you just want to be
entertained?"
Since almost no one receives any
training in how to date effectively and how to co-create a
successful, romantic long-term
relationship, far too many couples give up at this point and let go
of what could have been a very good relationship. They think that
conflicts mean failure; that a spiritually meaningful love will just
happen without any effort on their part. They rage or withdraw,
believing that something has gone terribly wrong and that love is no
longer possible.
This assumption is wrong. Flat wrong.
It not only short-changes the spiritual journey love wants for you,
but it also denies the natural and necessary challenges you will
face when you join your unique self together with your partner who
is also one-of-a-kind.
Excluding emotional and/or physical
abuse, which absolutely have nothing to do with love, your conflicts
are signals that
both of you are showing up in your distinctiveness, and that is a
fundamental requirement if you are to ever have a relationship you
can trust with your heart and soul.
However, we must all have compassion
for ourselves. Most people, men and women alike, believe that
conflict means that somebody wins and somebody loses. No one likes
to lose and the winner never really wins because the loser gets
revenge somewhere down the line. So that kind of conflict is not
only painful but pointless. Why wouldn't we want to stay in the
simple and easy pleasures of the first part of love?
Because that isn't real. As we said,
love changes. It takes all of us into the dark side of who we are so
that we can be assured that we are loved wholly -- no masks, no
games -- loved for who we are, through and through. That's the only
way we can know if we are truly lovable and have the capacity to
love someone else in just the same way.
The key to attracting and co-creating
trustworthy love is to redefine the notion of conflict. No longer a
win/lose battle; open to the understanding that a conflict is like a
flare, shot up from the depths of your relationship, alerting you
that something needs attention. Something in your relationship is
calling out for care and healing. In other words, do not avoid the
conflicts.
That may sound daunting. After all,
do you want to risk antagonizing the very person you feel such love
for? But if you
don't bring forth the truth of what you are feeling -- the hurt,
fear, disappointment, anger, and sadness that are natural and
necessary experiences that arise from your clash of differences
--then you are not being loving, no matter what you say. You are not
letting your partner know the truth. And that is not love.
Furthermore, you will end up secretly stuffing your vulnerable and
raw feelings, keeping secrets from your partner, and you will drain
the life out of your relationship.
Love cannot thrive in pretense. Love
can grow only out of what is real.
You may be asking, So where is the
magic in all of this? The magic is in the intimacy you will create
together, the real, dependable, all-embracing intimacy in which you
feel secure and open to the precious, full love that you sensed in
the beginning was possible.
There, in your differences, you will
discover lasting passion; romance in even the smallest moments;
wisdom that guides you through the tough times; joy in simply being
together; and a deepening spiritual awareness that love is real and
it is what you thought it could be.
Don't hide from your conflicts. They
are fertile soil for co-creating mutual respect, esteem, trust,
intimacy, and the very real joy that is at the heart of the magic of
your differences.
Husband-and-wife psychology team
Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and Jim Sniechowski, Ph.D., are the
bestselling authors of Be Loved for Who You Really Are (St. Martin's
Press 2003) and their latest release is trend setting wedding book:
The Smart Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams (New World
Library 2005).
Visit their website www.judithandjim.com
