Dying A Fabulous Death . . . Is That Possible?
by
Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.
© 2006
Think
about the reasons you’re glad to be alive.
Those
everyday things that you may even take for granted: being able to
walk, talk, see, hear, cook, garden, drive a car, dance at parties,
eat a terrific meal and laugh with friends.
And
then think about what it would be like to start losing most of those
abilities.
Jim’s
mother has lived nearly 91 years, and up until the past year she has
enjoyed almost all of the abilities we just listed (though she never
learned to drive a car and her hearing and vision were starting to
diminish).
Up
until a year ago Matka (Polish for mother) came to visit us each
year eager to get out, see Jim acting in the local production of
“Scrooge” and meeting our friends over brunch in our dining room.
Up
until a year ago Matka produced the annual Christmas party for her
Polish women’s group at her church and ran Bingo every Monday night
at the same church.
In fact, we saw her sing in her church choir on the day of her 90th
birthday last December 18th.
But
then her life began to fade. At first quite gradually. And then, by
the time we saw her two months ago in June, she had lost about 30
pounds and her interest in life. She didn’t really care that we were
there, except that it required more energy than she had.
W e
knew the end was coming. We just didn’t know the form it would take.
Two
weeks ago we received a call from Jim’s aunt, sister to Matka, who
is a nurse.
It’s
pancreatic cancer and the doctor says she has only 6 weeks to 6
months to live. But she doesn’t know.”
We
are of the belief that people deserve to know the truth about their
health and their dying. So Jim and his brother quickly arranged to
meet in Detroit and be the ones who would let Matka know what was
happening to her.
As
soon as they walked in she said, “Sit down and tell me what’s
happening.”
When
they explained that she was terminal, her first words were, “I knew
it.”
She
then told about a dream she’d had the week before in which she was
in the living room and her mother walked in from the kitchen and
caringly told her, “Helen, you won’t see the end of the year.”
Then
Matka asked Jim and Bill how long she had. When she heard 6 weeks to
6 months, her face fell. She said, “That long? I hoped I’d be gone
in 2 days.”
Then
she sighed, leaned back in her chair and smiled. “I’m relieved. Now
I know where I’m going.“
Then
they all began to discuss her wishes. The green dress for her
burial. The same funeral home as her husband 9 years ago. No party
or luncheon after the funeral.
What
a fabulous way to live and die. Accepting the end. No clinging to a
life that she knows is drawing to a close. Talking with her sons in
one moment . . . and then . . . being
drawn inward to the other side which is calling her.
She
has a Polish woman who is there round the clock. The state sends
nursing care several times a week and hospice workers will now come
to visit regularly and it is their commitment to keep her
comfortable should she experience pain on her way to making her
transition.
We
write this to acknowledge Matka, a beautiful soul who honors the
life she lived well and fully . . . and who has the wisdom and the
spiritual grace to accept the closing of this
passage while she anticipates, with dignity, the life to come.
Husband and wife psychology team
Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski are the best-selling authors of
four books. Get their complimentary tips for overcoming the fear of
being fabulous at: http://www.fearofbeingfabulous.com
