What has worked for us in our almost 20 years of marriage
(second for both of us) has been persistence, faithfulness,
humor, the evolution of a comfortable division of labor, and to
at least some extent men's work.
We are both flawed human beings (as are all of us), and I think
the biggest ingredient has been compassion. Not the gooey
sentimental "I feel your pain" compassion but simply knowing
that life can sometimes be hard for both of us, so we try not to
add to how hard it is.
We have a fairly traditional marriage, with my wife doing most
of the cooking and I doing most of the KP and house maintenance.
She works part-time as a social worker; I work full-time as a
technical writer plus part-time as a college teacher. In most
ways her work is more important than mine (she works with
families of infants and toddlers at risk - low birth weight,
chaotic families, physical and metal deficits, etc.). I think of
my greater earning power as a way to support her work. And she
supports my work by not resenting the hours I have to put in
(well, most of the time). We cheer each other when we're down
and celebrate when there's a victory, however minor.
A small example: I'm her sous-chef in the kitchen, often doing
prep and cleanup as we go along, and often without having to be
told what to do. We tease and laugh a lot, in the kitchen and
out. Our teenage son gave us the highest compliment a couple
years ago: He said that one major criterion for a new girlfriend
was how she would fit in with the usually wild and silly
conversations we have at Friday dinner.
We've divided up other tasks (without keeping score of who does
more), and we never fail to praise each other for being awesome
at what the other can do.
There has always been love between us, but there have been
difficulties too. I was at the point of questioning my
commitment to the marriage when I re-started doing men's work
about six years ago. A summer retreat, and the intimacy and
caring of a couple dozen men, helped me realize that I wasn't
paying enough attention to any of my relationships, and that I
could not decide to bail out of this marriage until I invested
more in it.
Things have gotten better and better ever since.
We've survived cancer (mine), a total hip replacement (hers),
and a very difficult youngest kid (ours). Now the kid - funny,
bright, loving, outgoing - is in college and we're on the brink
of retirement.
Has it been a perfect life or partnership for either of us? No.
But we're having fun and I don't think either of us would want
to change much about it.
Tim Baehr
